Socializing Without Tears

Socializing has become increasingly difficult. Suddenly, everyone wants to hug me, whisper a condolence, ask how I'm holding up, wish me the best, give encouragement, or just give me a sympathetic look.  And there are those who actually have questions such as "What's your plan?  Have you told the kids? When are you going to do that? Which hospital? What time do you check in? How do they do that? Are you nervous? Friday, right?" Etc, etc, etc.  The questions are endless and difficult to answer.  

I know everyone means well. That's really the only thing that isn't keeping me from running away screaming. But, breast cancer has become casual conversation recently and to me, it's way too big to trivialize.  Every time someone says something or pats my shoulder in support, I get a lump in my throat and fight off tears.

And it's always in front of my kids!

I've been forced to get through these small conversations with a fake smile and a "thank you for thinking of me" while choking back some big emotions that are always just on the surface.

The truth is:  I'm hanging in there. I'm nervous and scared to pieces.  I'm barely holding back a complete emotional breakdown, and the slightest thing will chip a hole in my wall and bring me crashing down. Honestly, I'm not doing great but I'm doing the best I can.  I don't even know how to answer the "how are you?" question because people want a thoughtful answer and I can't give one.

I do like the support and encouragement and concern, don't get me wrong. It means so much to me that people are cheering for me! It's unreal how many people are praying for me and wishing me well! That alone makes me well up! All of the warm smiles are building me up! I don't want to discourage that!  I just wish I were stronger and could handle it without sobbing like a fool.

Yesterday was particularly rough. We went to the third birthday party in a week's time and that in itself was a challenge, add in my anxiety, social awkwardness, and the feeling like I'm wearing a giant pink target on my chest and it's a recipe for emotional disaster.

I should have known though because we went to a birthday party last weekend and it was hard to socialize. People kept coming up to me and wanting to talk about my breast cancer battle. At a happy birthday party!  As heartwarming as it is, it's hard to get through one conversation after another, and another, and another.  Then we had Gracie's birthday party, which was another gathering of wonderful people and friends who care. And they want to talk to me about it in between interruptions with the kids. Yesterday, I think I was just on the edge and we went to another birthday party.  This one was very hard socially.  Everyone wanted to share their support and ask how I'm doing. I must have had 50 small talk conversations about what I'm facing.  Then we went to dance recital rehearsal and some of the dance moms were the same way. At least I don't know them all. I had two quick conversations that did not involve any conversation about cancer. They saved the day! Both were men, and one of them knows about what I'm going through.

I understand. I'm a mom and my friends are moms. This is how we talk to each other about everything! We talk in small bits in between kid interruptions. It's impossible to have a meaningful conversation when you have small kids, especially when we get together and have a big bunch of small children running amuck. All conversations are treated like small talk because that's all we can squeeze in!

I've decided to minimize my social interaction for the rest of the week. I do have to go to the dance recital tonight, but other than that, this week I'm only going to socialize with my best friends and keep out of crowds. Socializing in a crowd and having quicky conversations is just too hard right now.

My surgery is on Friday and I'm freaking out.  I am barely holding it together and I need to channel my energy to keep from imploding. And I need to be a decent mom for the kids for a few more days. I hope this doesn't come off sounding ungrateful or unfriendly. I'm just a mess and I know my weakness: too much love makes me buckle under!