2014 Year in Review

Happy Moments of 2014:

January:
We adopted Penny the puppy

February:
Uncle Ed came for a visit and we had lots of fun

March:
We went to the Birch Aquarium in La Jolla

April:
My sister came to visit; she went home thoroughly hugged!

May:
My friend, Jamie came to pick blueberries with us.

June:
The kids and I had a fun outing to the San Diego Zoo

July:
We went to Idyllwild and stayed in this wonderful house

August:
Charlie turned 4

September:
We went to Wyoming to visit the Grandmas.

October:
I taught a sewing class to the Camp Fire group.

November:
We visited the Field of Honor in our city

December:
Keith and I went to Palm Springs and I relaxed!

Fry Bread and Wojapi

We made Indian Fry Bread and Wojapi!

The girls monthly project for November/December was to research a culture (not one of your own) and report on a traditional or celebrational food item. The kids needed to then make the food and bring it to a Cultural Exchange Pot Luck, which was also when the kids performed their Winter Concert.

Our children are descendants of  European countries, so they decided to learn about food from a culture they have heard about but they aren't a part of: Lakota.  They chose to make Indian Fry Bread and Wojapi (jelly).

We looked it all up online and found the recipes and historical context in which the fry bread and wojapi are eaten. They were easily able to write out their reports and recipes. Then, we got to work making the treats.

I purchased frozen bread dough and we let it rise. I know, that's sort of cheating, not making the bread dough from scratch, so don't tell anyone! I'm swearing you to secrecy!  After it rose, the kids tore off pieces and made them into flat pancake shaped pieces. 

I fried the pieces of bread dough in hot oil. One recipe said to use Crisco and it really would make a difference, so I bought a fresh jug of Crisco vegetable oil.  Then I wondered if the recipe meant to buy crisco that looks like lard in a can. The vegetable oil seemed to work out just fine. 

I piled them up and layered the rows with paper towels to soak up the excess oil. When they cooled a bit, but were still nice and warm, we dipped them in the wojapi.  So delicious!

We made the Wojapi while the bread dough was rising. You are supposed to make it with chokecherries that you pick yourself.  Well... once again we cheated. I bought a bag of frozen strawberries at the grocery store. That is pretty close to the same thing, right? 

I figured strawberries would be a safe choice for the wojapi. The kids didn't like the sound of the word, and they had already some hesitation about how it would taste. They were concerned about the chokecherries. Would they choke? They didn't really want to try it. They love strawberries, so that would be a safe berry choice. Turned out, that was a good call. The strawberries were great!

First, we dumped about half the bag of strawberries into a soup pot. I think we had about 4 - 6 cups of strawberries. We added 2 cups of water and brought it to a boil, then added a cup of sugar.  The recipe also called for some cornstarch and I'm pretty sure I messed this part up. I think I added too much cornstarch because it seemed thin, but the next day it thickened up to an almost pudding consistency in the fridge, and my husband insisted that it should be more of a sauce texture. The recipes I found online varied. Oh well, the texture isn't nearly as important as the taste and it tasted amazingly good!

The girls put out their fry bread an wojapi on the cultural foods buffet table at school during their winter concert and it all disappeared pretty quickly. That's a good thing! They presented their reports in the classroom earlier in the day.

Got My Ears Pierced

Since I have uber short hair, my ears stick out.  I guess they did before, because I was always a pony tail or bun kind of girl, but now I feel like my hair looks so masculine that some earrings would offset the look and girl it up a bit. Why not!

When I was 12, I was kind of stupid and I got my ears pierced. I remember it well. I was scared but determined! I nearly passed out and had to stand on my head up against the wall after one ear was pierced, and then they did the other one and I had to repeat the headstand. In retrospect, a headstand was a strange thing to have me do, as if a person who is nearly fainting is coordinated enough to stand on their head.

When I was 19, I was taller but still kind of stupid and I got my ears pierced again. Two earrings on each side! So cool. No headstands this time, but I do believe there was some beer involved.

Now, I'm 49.  I'm no longer stupid but I still made the same decision to pierce my ears. Beer was involved. When my first baby learned to reach and grab, she always went for my earrings. No matter what, that kid wanted to pull them out of my ears.  I haven't worn earrings since and my holes closed up long ago.  It's odd that they would heal shut. I had pierced ears for years before I had any babies. Anyway, I had to get them pierced again if I wanted to wear earrings.

I went to Claire's in the mall. I heard "don't go to Claire's" but, they seem just fine. They use a little gun and the part that holds the earrings is disposable and clips into the ear gun, so no part of the gun touches your ear that wasn't sanitized and used only on you. Also, the earrings are sanitized. It's all good. I chose some fake diamond earrings and sat in the piercing stool. The lady attacked me with the gun and now they are pierced! The only downside was that I didn't get a lollipop. I really felt like I deserved one too.

Bad News that's Good to Know

I tested postive for the BRCA2 gene. Crap! and, Good to know.

Since my mother had breast cancer, and now I have it even though neither my mother or myself had a high risk factor (we live simple, clean lives, not the risk taking sort) I qualified for the genetic testing to see if I have the gene that causes breast cancer.

Honestly, I've been trying not to, but I've been wondering how I got breast cancer. Did I do something to cause it? Did I drink too much Coke? Did I not go to the Dr. often enough? Did I use the deoderant with the harsh chemicals? Did I not eat enough vegetables? Was there pesticide sprayed on my produce? Were there hormones in my hamburger? Am I too stressed out? Did I breastfeed too long? Haven't I been getting enough sleep? Maybe it's the second hand smoke from when I was a child and had a parent who smoked? Was it because I had an underwire bra? Is it Karma or Fate? Is God punishing me? Why did I get cancer? What did I do?  Now, I can stop asking myself that question. The answer is here: I was born this way.

According to some googling that I've been doing, the discovery of the breast cancer gene was pretty recent. One scientist found it in 1974 and they studied it until 1990 before coming forth with the information. 1990 wasn't that long ago. I was married and had an active toddler in that year. I worked as a part time bank teller, and had no worries about breast cancer. None.  Lucky for me, someone else was dedicated to breast cancer research! And those efforts are very much appreciated now, even if I didn't give it a thought back then.

Currently, not everyone can be tested for the gene and have it covered by insurance. The insurance companies only pay for it if they deem it necessary. And then they may only pay a portion, it's hard to say. I told my oncologist that I wanted the test, but only if my insurance covered it. Sure hope I don't get a bill for five grand and a note saying that's my co-pay. We shall see. To qualify to be tested, I had a mother with breast cancer and I have breast cancer, and I have six women with my genes, my sisters and daughters. So, I qualified for the test. Now that I've popped up positive, my sisters and daughters should be approved for testing as well.

There are two genes: BRCA1 and BRCA2.  #1 is apparently worse news than #2. But, really, you don't want either one of them. Turns out, I have the second gene. It's bad, but at least I don't have the first one.

According to the stats that Dr. Google has been throwing my way, Brca1 has a much higher percentage of patients with recurring cancer or other cancers popping up.  Brca2 is an increased risk for breast and ovarian cancer too, but not the "sure thing" that the #1 looks to be. I guess this means that I got the lesser of the two evils. Oh yay. I'll drink to that!

I have two sisters and four daughters. I am really hoping that this gene is recessive and my daughters didn't get it, but if my husband is a carrier, and we don't know that, well, that slims down their chances of escaping the gene.  I truly hope they do not have this gene! All four can be tested for it, but I am not sure when they would want to do that.  Elizabeth just turned 6 years old a couple of months ago. I honestly think she could wait a few decades. My oncologist recommends that my sisters and daughters go see their doctors and then have prophylactic mastectomies and oophorectomies - lop off their breasts and yank out their ovaries for prevention. Hopefully, by the time my daughters are in their mid-30s, there is a better prevention method than going under the knife.

This gene isn't just a breast cancer gene, it's also an ovarian cancer gene.

As for me, my oncologist wants an ultrasound peek at my overies now.  If they are messed up or showing any abnormal shape, lumps, or whatever, then he wants to yank them out now.  If they look good, then he wants to wait until I'm off the Herceptin and yank them out next summer.  Either way, he wants me to have them out. I'm not so sure about that. I have some questions about removing them and why and how much that stacks the cancer stats in my favor. The last thing I want to do is have another surgery, especially if it isn't necessary. I'll decide after I review more information about this situation and weigh my options.

That's all I really know for now.  I have this Brca 2 gene, and my sisters and daughters risk of breast and ovarian cancer just skyrocketed with this new information. To them, I'm sorry. Hope the stats are wrong!

If you find some useful information about BRCA2, breast cancer, or ovarian cancer, please post the link in the comments.

It's November? Wait? What? Already?

How did that happen?  However November got here so fast, I don't really care, I'm just happy to turn another page on the calendar!  Looking forward to the end of 2014 and we're getting closer to it! This year hasn't been a good one. I just want it done.

These past couple of months haven't been too bad though. I really can't complain much. Maybe the reign of bad luck is already over? Gosh, hope so!

The kids are doing great. Growing and doing well in school and having fun. We went to the zoo and we went to the Science museum in San Diego. We've had lots of trips to the local parks too, including the pumpkin farm. They are fun happy kids!

September was great because the girls and I went on vacation! We drove to Wyoming to see family and it was so very good for my heart and soul. It was good for the girls too! We all came home happier and well... happier! I can't go that long without a visit home again. It had been too long and I had a lot of stress to run away from. When we came home, that stress didn't seem nearly as bad. It was just a great get-away.  

Then, Libby turned six years old. Not sure how that happened so fast neither. Whoa. She's six! Toothless too. She lost a top tooth on the roadtrip and the other top center tooth came out on Halloween.

October was a bit more stressful for me with the breast cancer stuff. As everyone knows it was Breast Cancer Awareness month, and we're fully aware of it around here. More aware than we ever hoped to be, in fact. This whole plaster the world in pink thing got on my nerves fairly quickly. I tried to be a supportive participant in the pink thing, and I made a strong effort to post Breast Cancer awareness messages on Instragram and Facebook, but otherwise, it was depressing. I know why too: because I'm bitter. I'm angry that I have this and that I have to deal with it, and I'm angry that my family has to deal with this too. Daily. I'm mad that I'm in pain and that I'm constantly worried.  I decided that it's ok to be angry about this. I have every right to feel angry. In the meantime, the world is plastered in pink. There are pink Tshirts, mugs, ribbons, socks, people in tutus, healthy people running, events, parties, balloons, gifts, prizes... awareness. Yeah. Awareness. People are partying in the streets for breast cancer. Getting together with their friends and celebrating in matching outlandish pink outfits. Giving out pink prizes and giving shout-outs to long lost aunts and grandmas. This is not what I want to be sucked into. I don't want to party it up and carry a pink balloon or wear a pink ribbon or be happy to be "one of the girls".  So, October was kind of tough, emotionally. I was just mad all month. I tried not to be, but I was harboring a lot of resentment toward this whole Breast Cancer Awareness thing.  Now, don't worry, I've told myself that it's ok for me to feel this way and so I'm feeling it. But I've also told myself to be open to feeling differently next year.  Maybe next year, or another year, I'll feel like celebrating because I'll have a lot to be thankful for. Maybe I'll feel like wearing pink and carrying a balloon or wearing a tutu. Maybe I'll even walk a 5k! But this year, I felt the way I felt and October was  not easy.   Good thing I just had my vacation! Pretty sure that's what got me through October without losing my mind.

November is looking good. The month of my favorite holiday: Thanksgiving!  Yum! I'm really looking forward to the big meal this year because Keith remodeled the kitchen! We now have double ovens! I know he really got those double ovens so that he would have them for making the turkey dinner, but he pretended that it was for me. I know him too well! He got that convection oven and second oven for the holidays and he is the head chef for holiday meals.  I can't wait until he fills the house with all of his fine cooking. I'm drooling just thinking about it!

Hello, September!

August went right on by. And I didn't write one single blog post. How did that happen?  Me? Quiet? Hahaha!  I've actually had things to say, but I wasn't feeling like anything I had to say was something anyone wanted to hear.

I finished chemo. Thank goodness! No more chemo! I still have to have Herceptin, which is just like chemo but not as bad. It's kind of hard to explain, let me try: Chemo is like Stone Arrogant Bastard and Herceptin is like Bud Light. I'm happy to get away from the harsh stuff. It's not only hard physically, but mentally it is rough. Guess that's why I haven't really been blogging about it. There just isn't anything nice to say.

School started up again and I'm super excited about that. I really thought about putting Gracie in the public school in our neighborhood so that she would have a more traditional experience and go to school five days a week instead of three. She would also have more kids to socialize with. But, she would probably still have the same amount of homework since the public school seems to dish out lots of that, so  that wouldn't solve anything as far as homework is concerned. I do think the traditional school structure would be good for her though. I finally decided to just leave her in the Montessori Charter School for several reasons. The most important is that she's stressed enough and I don't want to introduce a whole new school and new friends and new structure to her.  Her teacher at her school now is very loving and caring and has Gracie's best interests at at heart, so I am keeping her where she is already established and has a good support system. Also, I love that the two girls are in the same class! How awesome is that!  The flexible attendance thing swayed me to keep her in Montessori too. I don't want to worry about how many days she attends or misses. If she's sick, she stays home, why is that so hard?

With the girls back in school, Gracie in 3rd and Libby in 1st grades, they are together in the same classroom. I think this will be easier on me to only deal with one teacher. I'm glad they have each other every day too. It's only three days a week, but those three days that they are in school are so nice! Peace at last!

Charlie started preschool in August; he's on a different schedule than the girls but twice a week we have all three kids in school at the same time! 

Speaking of Charlie:  He's four now. He had a really fun birthday party. I wasn't so sure how well it was going to go, but it was fabulous! He wanted a movie night birthday party, which means a movie in the driveway, in the dark. Do you know what time dark is? It's kind of late for a birthday party! Charlie is probably the only four year old to ever have an 8pm birthday party, but it actually worked out well. His little friends stayed up way past their bedtimes and ate cake and pizza and popcorn. We ended up with ten kids in the driveway and several adults. It amazed me that such a late party was such a big hit! And now he's four. Hard to believe, but he's sure growing up fast!

We had a fun day with Katie and the boys recently. We went to the Safari Park and just spent half a day but it was fun to be together. Katie is  doing well. She's 21 weeks pregnant now, so she's passed the  halfway point!  Can't wait until this baby comes along. I will be stealing as many new baby snuggles as I can! Andrew deployed in August and I think he'll be back in 9 or 10 months. We'll see I guess.

I'm planning a roadtrip in September. Hopefully it will work out just right!  I have to time it between Herceptin treatments and pull the kids from school for a week, but if all goes well and the weather cooperates and nobody gets sick, and my brother can come along to help drive.... We are going to Wyoming to see my mom and grandma!  So excited!  Planning this roadtrip has been my motivation to feel better and stay positive. I'm really ready to take a break from all of this cancer and stress and just hit the road!

Happy Birthday to my Blog!

I started my blog 7 years ago!  July 12, 2007.  Technically, almost 7 years ago since today is the 6th, but I noticed it today and there's no telling if I will remember by the 12th... so I'm saying Happy Birthday to my blog while I'm thinking of it.

Happy Birthday, Blog!

Here is a link to my very first blog post:  Dipping My Toes in the Great Blog Sea

I started by calling my blog Momathon, but then one day I decided that name wasn't right. Some people thought it was a blog about a mom who runs. Sure, I run, but only in the house. 

Then, I changed the name to Rufflebutts.  It was cute!  And I thought it sort of said that I raised girls, which is accurate.  But, after a while I got tired of that name since it implies that my girls are babies who wear ruffled bloomers, and they don't. They all grew out of the baby stage. Darn kids.

Finally, I changed the blog name to Schuworld.  This was the name of our web page that we had for years. We used to post family updates and photos on it to keep everyone updated. It wasn't a blog, but it was a good way of reaching out to family and friends. Of course, now we have Facebook. I think this name will stick!

I also started a blog recently called Mary Made It. It's just a sewing blog. I felt like my family blog was full of boring sewing posts and the sewing people who only want to read about sewing were also seeing my family updates, so I separated my sewing from the rest of the blog worthy stuff. There isn't a lot on it, but enough. And I can update it with my sewing stories and pictures as time goes on.

I also set up a blog, and I'll get around to writing it someday, that is a memoir sort of blog since it'll be written about the past. I want to document our Disneyland memories in it. I have a lot of pictures and lots of memories about taking the kids to Disneyland. Someday I will find the time to get it going and get all of those thoughts out of head and onto the blog, if I don't forget.  I'm sure I've forgotten a lot of it already. I probably should have done a Disneyland blog all along, but I didn't think of it. We had some really good times and I want to keep a separate place to ramble on about the good times we had.  It was great going to Disneyland time after time!  The kids are kind of Disney'd out now, but we really had a great time going. 

Speaking of "Blogworthy" - pretty much anything is blog worthy! I've written about the kids mostly, but also about our vehichles, dogs, food, and poop.  I've covered a lot of topics over the years.  Nothing is off limits it seems. It's my blog and I write whatever I want to.

Happy Blog Birthday! Thanks for reading all these years!

Just an update

This post is about nothing in particular, just an update:

Libby lost a tooth last night. I think it's her third tooth, but it might be the forth one. I've lost track!  She was pretty excited about it, and quite frankly, so am I. It's been loose for over a month and her breath has been terrible! I'm pretty sure the tooth was rotting in it's socket and stinking up her breath, but she has been too anxious about it coming out to pull it. And it hasn't been super dooper wiggly, so maybe it wasn't really ready to fall out. Finally, it came out! She was eating corn on the cob and it sort of got stuck in the cob and really loosened up. The next bite she took, it fell right out. It fell into her mouth and didn't get stuck in the cob so it didn't get lost.  She was super excited and ran to her room and put it in her tooth pillow right away. Before she went to bed, she checked to make sure it was all set up for the tooth fairy. We hoped that the tooth fairy wouldn't be too afraid of the fireworks to fly around. This morning, Libby found four quarters and one Sacajawea dollar coin in her tooth pillow! So exciting!

Bugs have been biting the kids at night and we are completely perplexed about what is going on. Gracie, Libby and Lexie are all waking up covered in big red welts. Nobody else seems to be getting them. The girls itch like crazy and look like they were quite the bug buffet. They don't have bedbugs and we don't have mosquitoes here, but something is eating my girls! I'm thinking we'll have to buy a can of Off and spray the girls before they go to bed.

Charlie and Libby took a Funk dance class. They had so much fun!  Dance class is nicely structured. Every kid in the class is participating at the same time, there isn't much in the way of waiting for your turn. Most of the class is participation time. And it's fun! Charlie did well in his first dance class. He listened, learned, and participated nicely. Such a well behaved boy! We're all very proud of his behavior.  He might enroll in a weekly dance class this fall. Libby certainly will, she loves dance class and she's very good at it!  The dance teacher wants her to move up to the classes for 6-9  year olds instead of the 3-5 year olds. She's close enough to age 6 I guess.

Gracie is healed up from her bike wreck!  We think; we really don't know how her skull fracture is doing but assume it is healing and doing fine. There is still a small bump on her forehead and slight bruising under her eye, so she has a little healing to do yet. She seems just fine though. The fracture in her wrist healed and she got her cast off. She enjoyed wearing her cast since it was comfortable and it brought her a lot of extra special attention, but she was pretty happy to get it off too. We still haven't fixed her bike because she wants to ride it again and I want her to heal up completely before she plows up the road with her face again.

All three kids are in swimming lessons this session. Libby and Charlie took swimming lessons while Gracie was still in her cast so they are on their second session now. They took "Level T" last session which is the Toddler class. It is set up for four students between the ages of 3 - 5. That was nice that they could be in the same class and they both did really well!  This round, I put them both in Level I.  The child must be 5 years old to be in Level I, and Charlie is still three years old but there was no room in any of the Toddler classes for him by the time I registered. I called the City and requested that he be allowed to be in Level I since it is basically the same skill level, just with bigger kids. The lady who heard my plea transferred my phone call to the pool and I spoke with a lifeguard there. The guy I spoke with remembered Charlie and asked when his birthday is and I told him it's in August and he said that was ok to put Charlie in Level I. So I told him, well, he'll be 4 in August, he's still 3 for another month. The guy was surprised but said that is still ok since Charlie did really well in Toddler class and looks like he is 5 years old already. Sure enough, he's doing great! He might even pass the class!  Libby is doing great too! They are both very brave little swimmers. Gracie is loving her class, she is in Level II. This year she is tall enough to stand up easily in the 4' part of the pool with her head above the water. That seems to make a big difference for her. She might actually pass to the next level too!

I've been sewing up a storm. Not anything special, just trying to use up my fabric stash with little projects. The small simple projects have been fun. I'm running low on zippers now, but I made a bunch of snack bags and larger wet bags.  The wet bags are great for cloth diapers and trips to the beach and so forth, really anything wet can be tossed in them. And I've been making hats for myself. I finally figured out how to wear a scarf so that it doesn't slip and slide and fall off: wear a cotton hat underneath. I made a bunch of them so that I can refresh my hat and match the colors to the scarves. I haven't been embroidering much, but I want to. My embroidery machine is giving me a headache. The colored thread goes on top and the bobbin thread is white, but the bobbin thread is showing on the top of the fabric more than the colored thread! So my embroidery machine is obviously having tension issues and I have not figured out how to fix it yet. I'm trying!

Keith has had shoulder problems for quite some time now, literally, months!  It's called Frozen Shoulder. It's very painful and limits his movement. Poor guy is having a hard time with it and so he went to the doctor and got a cortizone shot deep into the joint. It helped for a few hours and then he was back to having a lot of pain. So much for that!  He's been going to physical therapy weekly too, and it's helping but not much. The doctor then told him that he's an older guy now, over 50, and so he needs a colonoscopy. He's scheduled for that sometime later in the month, but I find it funny that because his shoulder hurts, he's having a colonoscopy. I don't think it'll help his shoulder much but I'm not a doctor.

One of our frankenputer laptops died. The other one is not doing as well as it should, so I expect it could die any day too. Who knows! But that is why there has been such a big slow down with the blog posts and posting of photos. I am hoping that Keith will get the kids a computer, an actual computer, not a laptop or a tablet, but a real sit at a desk computer. They need it for their homework for school; they can't use these half-baked frankenputers!  And then I'll be able to use the desktop for blogging and whatnot. Just have to talk Keith into buying or building one.

We all had the stomach flu. It wasn't pretty. It was awful! Libby and Gracie started it, and then I joined in. Keith had a terrible belly ache but he was able to contain himself. It lasted a few days for each of us and we were a mess! Lexie and Charlie survived the ordeal, but they had to take care of the rest of us and do all of the cleaning and nursing and all. Lexie was exhausted after a few days of providing night and day care. We're all better now and Lexie and Charlie never did get it, whew!

I ended up in the hospital for a day because of it. If I get a fever over 100 degrees, I have to go to the ER. So, I did. I hit 100.9 and couldn't get it under 100.5 so I conceded and did as I'm supposed to. I was terribly dehydrated anyway and they admitted me. I received 4 bags of IV fluid and lots of medicine of various sorts. I sure felt better when I was discharged, but I needed to still rest and hydrate when I got  home for a few days. I'm really not a fan of being in the hospital! But, they took good care of me and I thank them for that.

I did find out that my port needs to be adjusted. Which is another way of saying I have to be sliced open and poked around in again. The doctor has to fix my port because a stitch holding it in place is now poking out of me and bacteria could get in and infect the whole thing. According to the doctor, the problem is that I am too skinny. Well... in that one spot maybe! I'm not exactly happy about this, but I have to keep the port in until next May so I guess I better get it fixed. I don't know when the surgery will be, the surgery schedule lady that does a terrible job is the one arranging it, so I don't expect that it will be any time soon. 

I'm doing ok. I am going for all of my chemo and herceptin treatments. I'm dealing well with the side effects and my family is very supportive of all of my naps and lack of energy. They are all pitching in and helping me get through it day by day.  I just take it one day at a time, that seems to be the easiest way to cope with the cancer and treatments and side effects. I'm getting a lot of the expected side effects, but not all of them. I have a plentiful supply of pharmaceuticals to keep the side effects from getting the best of me, which really  helps. I'm halfway through chemo, only three more to go! My last chemo will be at the end of August, after that I'll only have to get herceptin infusions once a month to finish out the year and then I will start taking Tamoxifin (pills) for five years.

Lexie and Charlie's custody court date was moved to August. We really hoped the case would be closed in June, but they extended it for no apparent reason. She has full custody, but she is receiving "services" which are a giant pain in the ass. At her next court date, we hope she is awarded full custody and an end of services. She's so sick of having to take parenting classes and having the social worker "visit" all the time. I am sick of them inspecting our house and constantly telling me that it isn't good enough. I googled this health and safety program that they have Lexie doing, which is the home inspection protocol that they use too. I found a training page for it and it says that the social worker is supposed to find safety infractions so that the parent can improve and learn, and then the social worker can mark those items off as improved. They had stats and all sorts of information about how many parents they've helped improve the health and safety of their homes. The page I found listed some examples of infractions that could be pointed out including that bathtubs and sinks are drowning hazards. Well, no wonder our infraction list is ridiculous and impossible to fix! That's what their goal is! We don't have enough real hazards in our  home, so they have to find something, even if it is the most basic things. Now that I have a better understanding of what they are doing, I feel better about my home. Anyway, we're sure hoping that in August it is all over and we can go back to normal and stop worrying about what they will say next or when they will just pop in and inspect. It's nerve wracking!

Keith has arranged for a little get-away for the family. We're all going up to the mountains and stay in a cabin that belongs to a teacher friend of his. We get to get away and have a "camping" experience in the pine trees while still having all the comforts of a house! So nice! I'm excited to do something fun and not too taxing on my depleted energy supply. The kids can run around and collect pine cones or chase squirrels or something. It'll be fun!  And it'll be something to break up the boredom that the kids are experiencing. They are like caged squirrels right now; we must set them free in the woods!

I saved the best news for last:  Katie and Andrew are expecting baby #3!!!  We're super excited for them! And for us, we just love them and their boys so much. Can't get enough of the little guys! I told Katie that I can't help her in many ways, so I will help by naming her baby for her and then she won't have to worry about that task. I told her to have a boy and I shall name him Winston. I love it!  She doesn't, in fact, I'm having a hard time selling her on the name. It's the least I can do to help her out though, right? I've chosen the gender and the name, all she has to do is have the baby!  I might have to wait and see if the baby is a boy or a girl and let them choose the name. I'm not much help so far. I'll have to see what the baby needs and sew something adorable for little Winston (or whatever they name #3).

That's about it for the updates. In general, we're all doing ok and hanging in there but we all have issues. This isn't turning out to be a great summer, but there is enough good stuff in it to save it. I think we'll all welcome the fall though. It'll be nice to have this summer behind us and move on to better times.

Gutzon Borglum Art History Project

Second Grade Art History:  It's intense!

We knew this monthly project was coming up, because I like to look ahead at the school curriculum like that. And back in December I said to Gracie, "What artist do you want to study?"  She said, "Who made Mount Rushmore?" Gutzon Borglum.  Done.

Smart kid, right?  I'm a proud mama!

The assignment is:  Choose a famous artist or musician, research that person's life as an artist and replicate a work from that person's portfolio. This can be a big project or a small one, depending on how much work the child wants to put into it. Like all of their monthly projects, the effort and the lesson is up to the family and the interest of the child.  My kid happens to like art and history.

She also likes South Dakota and knows Mount Rushmore is gem of the state. I'm proud that she recognized it as a work of art, not just a thing.  It's not a painting, and when I was a kid I'm pretty sure my limited little head only thought of art as drawings and paintings rather than sculptures or monuments.

Luckily, there was a documentary on TV about Gutzon Borglum and I recorded it. This sure came in handy, as it was the main source of her research. I'm pretty sure we could have found all of the pertinent information online or in some of our South Dakota books, but it was easy to just watch the program and pause it as the narrator said interesting things. Gracie wrote notes as we watched. She noted his birth and death dates, places, where he studied, other works he did and some other information about his life. I didn't have her write about his lack of finances because that seemed a bit out of the scope of her project at a second grade level anyway.

The replica was the hard part of the project.  I'm sure Gutzon didn't have it easy when he was sculpting Mount Rushmore neither, but he was older and wiser. He wasn't eight.

I did have the forsight to think ahead and have her build her mountain over a ceramic bowl though. Then we wouldn't have a 50 pound lump of dried sculputre to lug around, but a hollow one that would dry nicely and evenly. Score one for mommy thinking!

I cannot stand Playdough. Gross. That stuff stinks! I'm not having her build a Playdough mountain.  We will make our own non-smelly stuff. I used pinterest and found lots of recipes for salt dough.  According to a thousand web sites, it's easy, doesn't smell, dries nicely, and lasts forever. Perfect.

So, not perfect!  It is easy to mix, but a mess and a half!  And it doesn't dry nicely. You have to bake it. You have to bake it flat!  It's great for rolled out flat Christmas ornaments and the like, not for mounds of mountainous granite with heads.  Salt dough was a complete no-go!

Look what happened when we baked it!  Those poor Great Faces!

I bought some modeling clay.  It said on the package that it would air dry nicely. Great. Just right for us!

Wrong again.  It dries all right.  But it crumbled into bits! How is that drying nicely? It's drying and cracking and completely falling apart!  We piled more clay onto it to make it thicker, but that just made more pieces to break off.  Failure number two.  Ugh.

Gracie was disappointed and the deadline was looming. We'd been working on this project for a long time thinking we had plenty of time and suddenly, it's almost due. And it's a catastrophe!

Replica numero tres:  Or, number three since it's not Spanish or anything....

This time, we decided not to let it dry!  That should solve the drying problems!  Take it to school freshly molded! It doesn't need to be dry like a rock, it just needs to look like Mount Rushmore.  Sort of. Her details were less and less pronounced with each version of the heads. They lack noses now.

She made her third and final (it was due in the morning) replica and we covered it with saran wrap.  This must work! She put her report in a binder to make a booklet out of it and added some photos of Borglum's other works. She put in a couple of photos of sculptures and one of a painting that he did.  No explanation about them, just printed pictures and put them in her binder.  I'm sure her teacher will guess that they are examples of his other works.

At school, they set up a little art museum. I wish I could have gone to see it, but I hear it was fantastic. Each kid presented their project and all of them were set out for display.  I'm glad she put her report in a binder because a poster or just a piece of paper would not have displayed as well. And her sculpture was just fine!  Another girl did a sculpture too, The Statue of Liberty. I'll have to ask her mom about it and see what they used for their sculpting medium.

Next year, I hope she chooses a painting!

Wigs

For fun and for reason - I went wig shopping again!  I'm so glad my sister took me wig shopping when she did. We didn't buy anything that day, but we found a shop and we found where some listed shops weren't, saving me time now that the time has come.

My hair has mostly fallen out by now, and it's been a strain to adjust, but it isn't the worst thing in the world. Scarves and hats are fine, but awkward.It is hard to feel normal in something that never has been normal to you. And I need to look normal once in a while - like a school function!  So, I took my little buddy Charlie and we went to a wig shop.  I went to one that I didn't go to before, but it has good reviews. Charlie and I found it ok, so we went in. It was kind of a classy joint, might be good!

First thing Charlie saw was a small dish of peppermint candies by the cash register. Next thing you know he had peppermint drool all over his face and neck, his hands were covered in sticky drips all the way up to his elbows!  We had to leave the store and go to the car to wash him off with baby wipes.  No more candies.

Back in we went.  He wanted his shoes off; he was actually wearing Libby's flip flops and they were hurting his toes.  I tried on a couple of wigs. They were nice, but highly priced. The lady helping me was a complainer too!  She said "oh, a chemo patient. I have to clean the wigs after you try them on because you are a chemo patient. I have to spray them and shake them off."  Well, do what you have to do. I don't mind.

Then Charlie had to go potty. He told the lady, "When I hold my weenie like dis, it means I haffta go potty right now!"  She offered to take him and I told her he can do it by himself he just needs to know where the bathroom is.  He did just fine on his own. Whew!  He's so funny! I really liked one wig that I had tried on. She had already sprayed and  shaken it and put it back and I asked her to bring it out again and she was a little annoyed, but I ignored that. I'm bothering her with my chemo head and my little grandson, but this is wig shopping and this is her job to help me.

I loved one wig!  It was $279 though.  That's a lot of money and it was synthetic hair, like a Barbie doll, so I don't think that's a good price. Maybe it is, but that's a lot of money!  I told her I love it and I'll think about it. She wasn't too happy that I left without making a purchase but she let me know that she wouldn't hold it for me unless I put down a deposit.  No thanks, no deposit. Thank you.

 Then I needed to take Charlie back and get the girls instead. Time to swap kids. The girls had a ride home from school, so I went home to make sure all was well and swap kids. Pretty sure Charlie had enough of my wig shopping anyway.

The girls and I went to the same shop where Pat took me. Easy to find and it had several wigs, that really weren't all that different in style than the expensive shop. I don't remember this shop being over $200 per wig neither. Seems they were more reasonable. And, they were. I tried on lots of wigs here! The lady was so nice and very helpful. She just said not to put the wigs back by myself because I'm a chemo patient, so she has to spray the wig before she puts it back.  Ah, ok.  At least she wasn't a jerk about it.

I tried on the wig that I liked when I went in with my sister. It looked much better on the manikin! I tried on a bunch of wigs. Gracie really wanted me to get a clown wig, but I nixed that idea pretty fast.  Libby wanted hair clips for herself, she didn't care about wigs at all. I finally narrowed it down to a natural looking one that was similar to the $279 wig in the other shop and a blondish one that looked light and summery, but was a nice length.  The brown one was a wee bit shorter than I really liked.  So, length won over color and I purchased the blondy wig for $52. Pictured in the lower right. That's a lot better than the other shop and now I have hair!

I was loving it!  The girls thought it was great too!  Lexie thought it looked really good on me.  And then Keith got home and immediately snubbed it.  He didn't like it at all! He said it looked funny and fake and really not me. Now normally, I wouldn't care too much what he thinks, but he's an honest guy and if he thinks it looks fake and funny, then I'm pretty sure others will too.  Lexie thought it looked great, but I don't know. Now I was confused and upset.

Hair loss is a lot more emotional than I anticipated.  I really didn't think it would bother me so very much!  I already purchased it so it's mine. Maybe I'll go back and get the brown wig too, not the expensive one but the one from this same shop.  It was $135.  I decided that's what I will do.  Then I could be happy wearing my blond hair to the park and the beach and wear the brown one when Keith takes me out to dinner. That will work. Two sets of hair.  Yes!

The next day I took the girls to school wearing my blond wig and it all went well.  They had a school function in the afternoon that I needed to attend, so I wore the wig to that. I think it went well. A couple of people noticed my new cut and color. I don't know if they really knew it was a wig or not, but that's ok. I felt normal enough. Although, I felt very self conscious about it too. At least I could walk around and visit with people without feeling like a banner for chemo.  It's this or a slippery scarf or a hat, very obvious!

After the school party, I took the girls and we went to Michelle's Place for a wig.  I didn't think I would be able to do that this week since I was told to only go on Thursday afternoons for a wig and I wasn't going to have time. Luckily, we had time and so we went.

Wouldn't  you know it, I could go anytime to get a wig there!  And the lady was very helpful! She didn't shake and spray off the wigs, just had me wear a wig cap before putting any on and I kept the little cap. It's just a nylon, like a ankle sock that I squeezed onto my head instead of wearing on my foot. No biggie. I'm not contagious. Then I tried on wigs!

The girls went to the kids' room to play with toys and I went into the salon room to try on wigs. They have scads of them, all folded up in drawers though, so it's hard to see what's what. You just have to pull them out and look at them.  They are sorted by color and I had already decided no blond wigs, but I wanted to try on a white one just to send Keith a photo and scare him a bit.  I did.  It was hilarious! And I looked a lot like my mother. Whoa!

I did try on one blonde one because it was a nice longer length and I wanted to feel how that would be. While I tried that one on, the lady helping me tried to find a brown one like it.  I didn't like it and she didn't find one except in jet black, so that was out.

She had me try on a cute short one with a couple of red streaks down the side. It was really cute and  young looking but I really felt like I'd have to learn to play guitar in a rock band if I wore it much longer. It's the one pictured on the lower left.  The middle left, that was supposed to look pretty good according to the tag on it, but I just look like a drunk!  I could wear it out and about, but I'd look like I'd been out and about a lot!

And then we found the one pictured in the lower right.  Perfect! The color is great, the length is perfect and I loved it! Even better than the $279 wig at the other shop!  I went to show the girls and Gracie said, "Mom, you look like you!"  Done.  That's the wig for me!  I walked out  wearing it and feeling great!

Since the girls were so good, I took them to the park to run off some energy and I could sit and feel my new wig on my head.  The park was crazy crowded though, and by chance, my friend sent me a text and said she was at a different park. I grabbed up the girls and met her there. I wanted to show her my new hair.  We got to the park and I immediately felt weird about it. Mostly because my friend knows me very well and she'll surely see that it's a wig, but that's good because I trust her and she'll be wonderfully honest, but she was hanging out with someone I didn't really know and so we wouldn't be able to talk about it openly. I told Gracie and Libby not to say anything, because wearing a wig is a secret. Of course, they did! Little stinkers! I don't think the other lady noticed that it was a wig, but I'm sure my good friend did. I was holding it down like a hat and adjusting it like a tight cap, of course she noticed!  It felt like it might pop off if I made facial expressions that wrinkled up my forehead. Eeek!  Guess I should tape it down like the lady in the wig shop offered to do yesterday. The park was a good first try out in the new hair. I'll get better at this, I'm sure.

When I walked in the house, Lexie didn't look twice at me. And then it dawned on her, and she said "Wow. I forgot when you first walked in."  That's the best!

When Keith got home, he didn't even notice. After a few minutes, he looked at me and said, "What are you wearing on your head?"  And I said "A wig" and he said, "I just noticed. And not because of how it looks, I just remembered that you don't have hair. You look exactly like you."  Highest compliment!  He forgot and had to remember that I shouldn't have hair! This thing looks good!  He didn't even mind when he thought it was the $279 wig, but he loved that it was a free one! Awesome!

I think I'm gonna be just fine with the hair loss now that I have two wigs and several scarves and hats for those times when I just want to be more comfortable. I can be inconspicuous, or fashionable. This might be fun!  Or anonymous, my choice now.  But I'm comfortable and that's really all that matters.

Kindergarten Graduation

She graduated!  Yay!  Kindergarten is officially done!  (Sort of, there are still two weeks left of school)

Libby finished the kindergarten curriculum back in November, but had a few skills to master rather than just sit on them as proficient. Her teacher put her on the first grade track of materials in class, but she stayed in Kindergarten. Honestly, I didn't notice a difference.  We just hoped to keep her from being bored. She spent most of the year bored, but who knows, that's just what she told me. She was probably having a great time in school every day!

This is her graduating class. Aren't they all adorable!

I'm so mushy over all the little boys in their little tiny ties! Adorable! As you can see, my year-long worries over my little girl being tiny and too small to blend in were all wrong. She's the same size as the rest of the kids. Blends right in. They are all about the same size, give or take. But they are all 5 and 6 years old, it's not like they are in middle school and have a foot of height variation between them. I did worry a lot that Libby was smaller than the rest of the kids and might be immature too. That's another issue, but she seems to fit right in. She's almost the youngest in her class. The cut off date for Kindergarten entry is the day after her birthday so she just made the cut!  One other girl managed to enroll even though her birthday is two weeks later than the cut off; I cannot explain that but she's doing great in the class and is one of the taller kids too. Although, I'm sure that decision wasn't based on height.

Libby was all excited for her Kindergarten "Coronation".  She would get a crown and be the Queen of Kindergarten! I think she's seen "Frozen" a few too many times. The queen's coronation scene was all that she had in mind when her teacher mentioned graduation. I can see how those two ceremonies could be confused.

By the time the graduation ceremony began, it appears that Libby figured out the difference between coronation and graduation.  Thank goodness! I feared a great meltdown! A diploma rather than a tiara! The drama that could have caused!  Thank goodness for Miss Laura !

The kids recited a poem and sang a song. The teacher told the parents how wonderful their year was and how they've grown and learned so very much. It's true. Libby can read, add, subtract, understand a lot of science concepts, tell you that a seahorse's eyes can go in two directions at once, explain recycling, name the President of the United States, and all sorts of things! Every day there's something new coming out of this kid!

After the graduation ceremony, she was ready to report to first grade. Of course, she knows who her teacher will be because that's how her school works. The kids find out who their next teacher is long before the next school year begins. And she will have the same teacher for 1st - 3rd grades! No worrying about whose class she will be assigned to. I love that!  Plus, since the grades are mixed in 1st - 3rd, she will be in class with her older sister. They are so excited!

But, it was Friday afternoon with two weeks left of school.  Not exactly the right time to jump right into the first grade class. I  had to break the bad news: she has to wait until August 27th.  She nearly cried! She said "But mom, Kindergarten is so boring!" I told her that her entire class is in the first grade now. She has to keep going to Miss Laura's class with the other kids but they are all in first grade. Then in August, they all move to their 1st grade classes. She was ok with that.

I think she was a little disappointed with the graduation as a whole. It wasn't a coronation and she didn't get to go to the next classroom just yet. She did get a diploma and a cookie. Then it was over. 

White Chocolate French Toast

Oh baby! I accidentally discovered something amazing!

We ran out of milk and I wanted french toast. Problem!  Not a problem for long because I found a package of instant white hot chocolate left over from a variety pack that we got at Christmastime. I made the hot chocolate in a cup and stirred it up. Smelled great!  Looked like milk!  This could work!

I cracked the eggs and whisked them up, then added half of the cup of white hot chocolate. There was my french toast wash.

It turned out terrific!  See how my little food critic gives it the biggest widest open mouth. Yes! Score one for me! I actually made something yummy in the kitchen!  Accidentally!

A Little Safari

I'm feeling a little stronger each day, and we all must get back to our normal lives. Keith has to work, Lexie has to do her thing too, which leaves me to do my thing... the Mom thing.

Friday, I got the kids up and dressed and packed lunchboxes. Got them all loaded up and strapped in and off to school! After Charlie and I dropped the girls at school, I thought to myself, "Oh boy. A whole day with just Charlie. What are we going to do?"  Scary thought.

We just had the house cleaned on Thursday afternoon. I really didn't want to spend the day watching a bored and lonely three year old boy destroy the professionally cleaned look so soon. I decided that since I could 1. Drive and 2. Walk, we could go somewhere and kill some time. Charlie suggested the park. I decided on the zoo. I can do the zoo, albeit only a mild trip. But it has a playground, benches for resting, and no doors for me to have to push or pull open.

I need to go to the zoo anyway because I lost my zoo pass and the kids are going on a field trip with another family on Sunday, but they can't go without a pass. I don't know if I never got my pass in the mail, or if it got lost in the shuffle, but I've never seen it. I can't find it. The only way to clear that up is to go there and admit to the person trapped in the ticket booth that I'm unorganized. So, that's what we did!

I got a duplicate pass for me, and a refund on my parking that I just paid for a moment ago (because parking is included with my pass), and then I purchased a child's pass for Gracie and Charlie. Libby has one.  So. Zoo Pass business is done! Mission Accomplished!

Charlie was already enchanted with looking at the various thorny plants and he was having a great time exploring around the ticket booth. We went in and really, anything we see is a bonus because I'm just planning to steer him to the playground area and sit while he plays.

We walked up the entrance walk and he studied the map. He saw a lake on the map and he wanted to go there, which is not far in, so that's where we went. We wandered around the pond and sat on benches here and there along the way.  We saw and admired all the ducks. ALL of the ducks! On the other side of the path around the lake, we saw Meerkats and Red River hogs and then we took a side trip up another short path to see the gorillas.

We didn't go far and we walked slowly so that I didn't tire too quickly. This worked well for both of us as it gave Charlie plenty of time to visit with each duck, meerkat and gorilla.

I did torture the poor kid by making him wander through the gift shop with me. I want a soft sunhat that has a neck-shade, and I figured they would have the safari style hat. The only thing they had that was similar was a child sized baseball cap style that had a neck shade. It was $26. Oh well. I'll look around online and see what I can find, or maybe I can add a neck-shade to a sunhat; I'll think about it later.

We were there for 2 hours and Charlie said to me, "Let's go home and get da girls."  It was noon and I was done walking anyway, so I said, "Ok. Let's go.".  No arguing from me!

We looked at the thorny plants again on the way out. When we got to the space between the zoo entrance and the parking lot we saw a big Coke truck. It had vending machines on it, and lots of Coke workers handing plastic cups to people. They approached us and handed each of us a tasting cup and invited us to have a drink, so we did. Charlie chose Mello Yellow and I had Cherry Coke. I only let him fill his cup halfway, so he probably had 2 oz of pop and I had about 4 oz.  It was  yummy!  Then Charlie was handed a free pair of Coke sunglasses, so he was a happy boy.

By the time we got to the car, it was 12:30. We arrived at 10am. Not bad! We put in a full day before lunchtime! I didn't hear any complaining about being hungry, so we just toodled on home and had lunch there. We got home at 1:30 and had time to have lunch and rest before it was time to pick up the girls.

Felt great to be able to be the kind of Grandma I enjoy being! I took Charlie to the zoo! We had a very fun and special day together. The house is still clean, the kid is happy, all is well!


*Found my zoo pass as soon as we got  home. Been searching for it for  a month!

Told the Kids

"Today is a dark and sad day" - Gracie, 8.

 We've been keeping "cancer" a secret from the kids. Thank you, all, for helping us with that! We didn't feel the time was right to tell them, until today.  We appreciate your respect to  honor our wish for the right time.

As if there is a right time to tell your kids that you have cancer.

Just a reminder: The kids are our daughters: Gracie, 8; and Libby, 5.  Our grandson is Charlie, 3.

Today we sat the kids down and told them everything. We told them that Mommy/Grandma has breast cancer.  I have bad cells in my body that escaped from my boobs and got away. They went into my body and we can't catch them.  They will make me very very sick if we don't clobber them and kill them.

We told them that I will be taking medicine called chemo. It is a very special medicine that will make me better by killing the cancer, but while it kills the cancer I will feel very tired and sick. We told them I will have to take chemo medicine all summer long, until Libby's birthday when she turns 6. We told them that I won't be a lot of fun. They'll have to go do some fun things and leave me at home.

We told them that I will lose my hair. All of my hair will fall out. This seems to have been the hardest part for them. They all reacted to that. I told them I will look like Uncle Eddy.  Gracie offered to buy me a wig. Libby said she will get me a yellow hat.  Charlie offered to rub sunscreen on my head.  They were all shocked but very compassionate.

Lexie read them a book and it explains the cells in the body like puzzle pieces, or like Legos. They all fit together and work together, but cancer cells have a bad attitude and make mommy sick. The chemo will make me sick too, but only because it is killing the cancer.  The book also says that I will be like a tree in the winter, losing my leaves and being bald until spring.  The seasons are opposite, but the analogy is a good one.

We made sure to emphasize with all of them that there are different kinds of cancer. There is the kind of cancer that makes you die. And there is the kind I have, the kind that needs medicine to make it go away and then I will be all better.

Their eyes were big, their questions were few.  They all look like their brains were whirring and spinning thoughts around inside. I'm sure there will be more questions later. We told them to ask questions if they have any. And if they feel like they need a hug, come get one. We are all here for each other.  I also told them that their teacher at school knows about it and she will hug them anytime they are having a sad day. I told Gracie to write her feelings in a journal.

Gracie said, "It's weird, but I really wanna smile right now." She went off to find her joke book and make some popcorn. She wanted to watch Star Wars too.  I'm so thankful that she has her big sense of humor to get her through hard times! That will be an asset to her as life throws her curve balls as it sometimes does.

Libby was quiet. She asked a few questions, but they were general. She wanted to know how I would take the chemo medicine and so I told her about the IV and the port. She was wondering if I would have to spend the night in the hospital again. I don't think I'll have to.

Charlie paid attention very well. I told him that I won't always be able to go with him when him and his mom do fun things. He might have to go without me and let me take a nap. He nodded in agreement. He wanted to know if it would be funny when I'm bald, and I told him he can help me find a hat to wear.  He went to go play, and ten minutes later had a meltdown about something insignificant and unrelated to our discussion.

Not one of them asked about Sandy. They all know that Sandy had cancer, she had an operation, and her cancer didn't go away. It got worse.  Sandy died from her cancer.  We are all still heartsick over losing Sandy last summer.  The kids have only had that one experience with cancer and I'm not aware of any of them ever hearing about it in another context. I was sure that they would immediately think of Sandy and compare my treatment with, and assume my outcome might be the same. I don't want to scare my kids, but they will be afraid as I am. I don't want them to worry, but they will. I don't want them to grow up too fast, but this will make a young child a lot older. I'm sure they will all remember Sandy soon enough and ask about my cancer compared to her cancer.

It's the hardest thing in the world to look your children in the eyes and say to them, "I have cancer."

*Me and my brother, Ed. Soon to be my twin. 

Gratitude

Gratitude. Actually, I have a lot of it!  I'd like to show more of it, but usually the negative beast rears its ugly head before Gratitude shines through.

I have a lot to be thankful for, even though I'm going through what is probably the worst thing in my life - both past and future included.  I do not want to be so down in the dumps that I forget or forget to show my gratitude for the many wonderful things and people in my world.

I don't think I express it often enough, my gratitude.  I really am grateful for so much!  I always feel it too. In fact, it overpowers the negative feelings that try to take over sometimes. I can't imagine what a depressed sap I would be without my gratitude pulling me back up every time I feel so badly.

Listing all that I'm thankful for seems like a daunting task. Writing a complete list is impossible, but I'll list what is on the top of my mind at the moment as it pertains to my health crisis:

I'm very thankful that Breast Cancer is not a life threatening disease. It's not a piece of cake, but it isn't going to claim every person that it strikes, like me.  Sure hope they find a cure so that it can become a 100% curable disease.

I'm thankful for the medical team that I've been assigned to. They don't really work together per se, but they have been taking good care of me and treating me like a person rather than a burden to their workload. I appreciate that. I'm thankful to live in an area where good medical care is easily available and I'm very thankful my insurance is covering my needs.

I am thankful for my husband. my sister, my mom and grandma, and my cousin. They have been my biggest supporters and cheerleaders and my best therapy. They listen to me, cry with me, cheer with me, and mostly, they love and care for me. I can't say enough wonderful things about my family! They're the best!

I am sorry for this one, but I'm thankful for my breast cancer "sisters". Four women in our family (on my husband's side) have it right now. Actually, three, one was recently declared free of the disease! None of us are blood relatives, three of us married into the family. We also don't live anywhere near each other, and we only see each other at the tri-annual family reunions. But now we have this awful common connection. At least we have each other for support, I will say that it is nice to have someone to walk down this road alongside me. And I'm happy to support them as well. Sure wish we were all lottery winners instead, but this is what we got.

I'm thankful for my daughters and grandsons. Obviously, I'm always thankful for them. But when mom is feeling down, there is no better source of strength and happiness than my children. My older two are especially great right now. They are my research team.

I'm thankful for the local Breast Cancer Resource Center. It's called Michelle's Place. They offer a lot of services to breast cancer patients and survivors (that word again! ugh)... patients and former patients, there, that is better! All of their services are free. They are funded through Susan G. Koman foundation, local fundraising and donations, and probably grants too.

I'm so very thankful for my friends and family who have stepped forward and offered help, brought dinners, gave gifts to the kids, taken the kids for playdates and outings, babysat, brought groceries, sent cards, gave us money and gift cards, brought flowers, cleaned our house, mailed packages, and a bunch of them contributed to a fund to hire a housekeeping service! We know so many wonderful people! Including some long-time online friends! It seems that everyone I know is doing something kind for me and my family, and I know a  lot of people! The ones who are unable to personally visit have sent heartwarming well wishes. I just love everyone! I feel so blessed and  honored to have such generous friends and family!

I'm thankful that I have such a great resource right at my fingertips to find information, connect with others, ask questions, ask more questions, read and read and read some more! That's right, I'm showing a lot of gratitude for the internet! Thank you, Google! Thank you, Bloggers! Thank you, cancer resource centers! Thank you, Cancer product shops! Thank you, forums! Thank you, support groups! Thank you, drug companies! Thanks to everyone for putting it all out there!

I'm not thankful, not one itty bitty bit, for cancer. I'm not. But I am thankful that I have the people and the resources to take care of it. I'm so very grateful for so many things and so many people! This battle would have the best of me if it weren't for all of the people and things listed above. I'm blessed and I know it. Not blessed to have breast cancer, but certainly blessed to have much bigger and better things. I am truly grateful for it all. (except the breast cancer, did I mention that?)

I'll be even more thankful if there is a cure and a prevention for breast cancer and if you never ever get it. I truly will be grateful if none of my sisters, daughters, or nieces suffer from this. That's when my heart will explode with thanks! Let's all hope that day comes soon.

New Oncologist - Same Plan

Had my first appointment with a different oncologist. The last one wasn't a good personality match for me. This guy walked in the room and first thing he did was look in my face and shake my hand, my husband too. He said hello to us.  Nicely done, Doc.

Maybe it was in my chart that we are difficult and need to be pampered. Fine with me. At least the guy said hello to us and made eye contact. He talked to us, explained things, and answered questions. He didn't rush us. It was a pleasant change from the first doctor we saw. Whew.

But, the treatment plan is not much different. It is a lot of treatment for what my surgeon says is no cancer. According to the oncologist, the cancer could still be in me and the biology of the cancer is very very bad. I have no choice but to aggressively treat it. I really don't like the sound of that at all. I feel like I have nothing wrong with me and I'm treating a possibility that there might be some cancer cell in me. There might not be a single bad cell in my body. Or, there might be lots of them. They can't tell.

The treatment is:  Surgery to place a port-a-cath in my chest. This is a little doo-hickey that is like a catheter for the I.V.s of chemo drugs. It goes under my skin. I have to have surgery to have it installed. The doctor and nurse said it's no big deal, very easy, in and out of surgery, piece of cake. Keith didn't think it sounded like a big deal either.  Apparently, I'm the only one who thinks having surgery on my sore chest to put in a catheter under my skin and into my blood vessels is kind of a big deal.  It's surgery.

And the port goes under my skin, so they still have to poke me through my skin with a needle. I think this makes it easier for the chemo nurses, not sure if it benefits me in any way, but I will get to have a piece of cake surgery to put it in, and I assume, another easy breezy surgery to take it out in a year. Where's my sarcasm font?

Then I will have a year of chemo.  Only, it's not all called chemo. It is but it isn't. I will have a mixture of harsh drugs called TCH for 18 weeks and after that, only one drug: herceptin. Once I'm down to the one drug they don't call it chemo anymore. So, I will have 4 months of chemo and 8 months of herceptin - the drug that accompanies chemo and  is administered exactly like chemo, but isn't technically chemo. I have to get this chemo and not-chemo weekly for a year.

In between the chemo and herceptin, I will have blood draws, shots of various kinds, steroids, and EKGs.  One side effect of these drugs is heart failure, so they are going to keep track of how my heart is doing.

Speaking of side effects, the others are:  nausea, mouth sores that go from your mouth all the way through your digestive system, constipation, diarrhea, menopause, memory fog and cognative thinking loss, loss of hair, discoloration and loss of fingernails and toenails, bone and joint pain, numbing of the toes and feet, heart failure, and death.

Since I'll be having chemo every week, I won't be able to travel. No vacation for me. I won't be able to go places with the kids either. I will be sick and weak and bald. I won't be able to do much besides puke and go back for more. It will be a rough year. I won't be able to be much of a mom to my kids, grandma to my grandsons, or much of a wife to my husband. They will all have to get along without me for the most part while I sleep it off or whatever it is I have to do. I hope they will go on vacation, I don't want to ruin all the fun. Sure wish I could join my family for our family time though.

After I'm done with my year of being a pincushion, I will be on a pill called Tamoxifen for five years. It has it's own special side effects too.

This doctor didn't mention anything about having a total hysterectomy to prevent the hormones in my body from feeding the cancer. The doctor we saw last week said that, but this guy didn't. I don't want to have unnecessary surgeries. But I will have to  have the surgery to install the port and another surgery to take it out. That's two extra surgeries right there. I know, I know, they're a piece of cake.

When all is said and done, I still won't have any guarantee that my chances of getting cancer again are gone. I will have a 25% chance of getting cancer after all of this. The new cancer will probably be in my lungs, liver, bones or brain.

I have to take a chemo-education class next week and then I have to get started with this treatment. They don't want to waste any time.

All of this awful treatment means that I have to tell the kids that I have breast cancer. They don't know yet and I wanted it to remain that way. We are going to have to be upfront and honest with them and they are going to have to become independent little kids since I won't be doing much for them any longer.

If this blog post sounds like it has a depressing tone to it, well then, you caught me. I'm feeling very mad, sad, and upset over the whole entire deal. I have every right to feel any way I please about this situation, and right now, I feel depressed. I feel scared. I feel punished. I feel sentenced. Don't tell me that it'll all be ok, that I'm being dramatic, or not to be so glum. Please do not tell me I'm strong, I can do this, I've got this, and all that sort of nonsense. I am not strong and I don't want to even try to live up to that kind of expectation. I also don't want to hear about how God is doing me a favor, or giving me just what I can handle. That's a bunch of hooey. I know people mean well when they say these things, but those kind of words are not helping me right now. All I can think is why would God give me two wonderful and healthy children and then punish them by giving their mom cancer before they have a chance to grow up feeling carefree. Or just because a person is strong or can handle rough situations, that is not a reason to punish a person and put them and their family through hell. So, these kind encouraging words are more appreciated if you think them and not say them. Thanks.

Wig Shopping

Today, I was feeling pretty good after I got some rock solid sleep. My sister took me out for some fresh air and sunshine. So nice!

Since surgery, the only time I've been out is to go to my doctor appointments. I've been out three times, and each was straight to the doctor and straight home again. I haven't been strong enough to even want to go anywhere, not even to the yard to get some fresh air.

Today, I was determined to get out because I think it would be good for me and it might be nice to see if the world is still out there. It was such a nice afternoon!  We didn't leave the house until nearly 1pm because the home health nurse came to check on me and she was running late. As soon as she left, I put clothes on and we got in the car.

I don't move very fast, but Pat sure does. She was running circles around the car opening her door, then mine, then running back around.

First stop was the farmer's market. I love this place. They have a delicious green smoothie that is full of nutrition, high in iron, and yummy! They make it with fresh organic vegetables and pineapple juice. It's very good! I figure I need the high iron anyway and it's a nice cool treat to take along in the hot car. We both got one but the girl who was working there made Pat's with mango instead of pineapple. So, her smoothie wasn't as sweet, but I didn't offer to trade. Hahaha!

Then we went to an ATM to grab some cash for the kids' school field trip. We have to pay for the field trip this week, even though it isn't until April 28. The field trip destination: Lego-Land!  This is a self-guided tour. Cool! I'm not going, but the kids are going with Lexie and I still had to fork over the cash for their field trip admission tickets.

Next stop: Wig Shop. We planned to go in and look around and maybe try some on and giggle. We went to the address of the wig shop that google found for us, and it wasn't there. It was a pub and restaurant and looked like it was just being remodeled into the pub business from whatever store it was before. We wandered a wee bit on the one block where the wig shop should have been and we found a couple of cute boutiques. Looking around was kind of fun. We weren't buying anything, just browsing for enjoyment.

We decided to try another wig shop.  Google gave us the address and we typed it into the car's navigation. We got there just fine, but there was no wig shop. It was a strip mall that had a bridal shop, dancewear store, and window coverings store. hmmm.  Finding a wig shop is a lot harder than we anticipated!

We tried one last time before giving up. If we actually find a store that sells wigs, we will proclaim this adventure as a success. We actually found the wig shop! It was on a small street around behind a main street and the shop was inside another shop, just in a back room.

The lady who walked us back to the wig shop in the back room of this store told us that we couldn't try any on unless she helped us, and I had too much hair to try one on. That's ok, we were short on time by now anyway. We just stood in the middle of the wig room and looked around. We touched a few of them and they all felt nice, some are synthetic, some are human hair, some are a mixture. They were fine. The majority of the wigs were not anything that would be flattering on me, but we saw some fun wigs and some nice wigs that would be appropriate for me and look good. It was fun to go there and be amongst the wigs and see them up close.

I don't know if I'll really need a wig, or if I'll want to wear one. Who knows. But, if I do, I wanted to wig shop with my sister while she is here. I'm really happy that she came with me. We did some giggling and some looking. It was nice to do that together. She reminded me that blondes have more fun!

I think I did pick out a favorite (for today, I might change my mind a million times) and I liked the soft curls, the length and the color. This one just drew me in.

I might just buy a bottle of sunscreen and rub it on my bald head and run around with my scalp all naked and exposed too. Who knows. I've decided to do whatever I'm in the mood to do. I'm a wee bit afraid of running around with a naked scalp though, because my hair is super thick and it's dark. The skin on my head has never seen the light of day. It's probably white as snow and it'll burn to a crisp very quickly. We shall see, I guess. In the meantime, I had a good time getting out of the house and doing some boutique and wig shopping (without buying) with my sister. It was a nice afternoon outing!

Then I came home and sacked out! So exhausted!

Oncologist Consultation AKA The Wasted Morning

I was both dreading and looking forward to this oncologist appointment. I want to know the game-plan. I need to know what lies ahead. I hope beyond hope that the plan is to do nothing but forget about it, but I know that the suggestion will be to take Chemotherapy.

I woke up nervous and nauseous. What a combination! I took my pain  pill and my horrible stinky antibiotic. They antibiotics are awful and they make me ill. I ate a piece of toast and had half a cup of coffee. But, then I felt worse, so I took some Excedrin Migraine pills.  Off we went to my Dr. appointment. By the time we left, I was tired again, crabby and woozy and really didn't feel like going anywhere. But, I was also anxious about the consultation and just wanted to hear what the doctor says so we can move on.

The doctor's office was beautiful!  We waiting in a stunning and comfortable waiting room.  This place must cost a fortune for them to put up a waiting room like this.  My insurance company is going to cry.

Once I was called to the back, I was weighed. I'm 12 pounds less than I was the day before surgery. I was at my all time high right before surgery, so I needed to loose a few pounds, but I didn't expect to lose 12. Must be my lack of appetite. Also, I'm not eating fast food, beer, or microwavable convenience foods. My friends have been bringing us delicious home cooked meals! They are obviously much healthier than I normally serve up. The kids love the meal train!

After the nurse and her student shadow were done typing my vitals into the computer, the doctor came in. She was all business. She went over the information that she had, showed us a picture chart of a boob, and peered over her glasses at Keith and said, "You can ask questions when I am done with the report overview, if there is time". He didn't care for being dismissed. We've read the pathology report and had questions, but she wouldn't address our questions without scolding us for having questions first.  And she spent a great deal of time telling me that my choice for a double mastectomy, quadruple even, was not necessary and I should have only had the one cancer infected breast removed.

In the next breath, she said that I should be genetically tested for the gene that causes breast cancer and if I test positive for it, all of my daughters should plan to have preventative double mastectomies and removal of their ovaries. Whoa. Wait a minute here sister, I am wrong to have taken preventative measures for myself but you think all of my daughters should have preventative radical surgeries?

Then she went over the treatment plan that she has laid out for me:  She wants me to do four months of weekly chemotherapy, then switch the chemo drugs to something called Herceptin and do that chemotherapy  once a month for 8 months. In between, I would have blood draws, immune system boosting injections, and other needle pokes for various things. This would all be done with an IV in my arm each time I go, rather than a chemo-port. Then, she wants me to have a total hysterectomy to remove the overies because they produce hormones. Then, I would be on Tamoxifen for ten years.

To me, this sounds like over-treatment. I told her that is too much. That is just way too much treatment for a cancer that is no longer in my body. The cancer is gone. Why should I treat something that isn't there?  They found a microscopic cluster of cells in one lymph node, and honestly, if they had sliced the node a micron over in one direction or another, they wouldn't have found that cluster and would have told me that my lymph nodes were all clear!

Again, she did not appreciate the questions and the what ifs and the second guessing of her treatment plan. She glared at us like we were idiots and we need to just be quiet and do as we are told. Keith was getting visibly upset. I was just crying. It was the most difficult doctor appointment ever. This doctor was one of those high and mighty types that just sees me as another case file, not as a person who has a life and needs to be healthy enough to live happily. This doctor said to remember that plenty of other people have worse cases and they do what they need to do for chemotherapy.  I know, that is true, many people are in worse condition than I am and fighting bigger battles, but this is my battle and I see no reason to have the cure worse than the ailment. It makes no sense to me.

The appointment was over and the doctor left the room. The nurse came back in and scheduled a chemotherapy education class for me. And we were told to stop at the front desk and schedule my next appointment. Keith and I looked at each other and we had the same thought: No way! Not with this doctor! We want a doctor who understands that we are people first and cancer patients second. We want questions answered without being scolded. We want someone who cares. We won't be back to visit this doctor. When we got to the front desk, I left Keith there to sort out the appointment details and I went to the water cooler and got a drink.

He told the nurses at the appointment desk that we want to start over with another doctor. This one wasn't for us, we didn't click. Our personalities will not work well together and it won't be a healthy doctor/patient relationship. They were surprised but said ok.

I'm not, I have never been, nor will I ever be the type of person who just listens and does what I'm told without question. I am the type of person who needs information. I ask why. I need to know why. I want to know options. I have to know everything.   If I don't know, if I don't ask, if I don't have options, my level of anxiety increases dramatically. I realize that isn't the case for a lot of people, they want to let the doctor do the worrying and make the heavy medical decisions, that relieves them and gives them comfort in not knowing. But, I am not like that. This doctor obviously prefers the type of patient that I am not.

The appointment turned out to be a big waste of time because this doctor and her "throw every cure under the sun" at me approach is not for me. I have to wait now and see if I can get a different oncologist and try this first appointment thing all over again. Hopefully, we will have better luck the next time.