My First Mammogram

I'm 48 years old and I have breast cancer in my family history. And, I own a pair of boobs.  Sigh.  No way around it, I have to go do this squishing thing.

It was recommended to me, by someone or I read it somewhere, or somehow I knew, that I should get my first mammogram at age 35 and annually after age 40.  Well, I'm only 18 years behind schedule, not too bad.

I finally made an appointment.  My appointment was in November.  I chickened out and called to cancel, but halfway through the phone call I found enough courage to just reschedule. The appointment was now bumped into December. When the day came I was nervous, but I went.

The entire time I was waiting in the waiting area, I thought about just getting up and leaving. I have no idea why my instinct to flee is so strong, but I really do have to fight to keep those thoughts at bay when I'm in a doctor's office.

I did it though. It wasn't horrible, it was just weird and uncomfortable. It didn't take long and I was done. Once I was done, I left that "I really need to do that someday" feeling behind. Done! Accomplished! No more nagging!  Whew.

Honestly, I wasn't one bit worried about the results. I live a pretty clean life and I nursed my babies which I know reduces the chances of breast cancer.  I do have breast cancer up my family tree, but I feel young and healthy and really have no other concerns except to get the mammogram off of my list of things I just need to do.

Wish it were so easy.  I later found out that most first time mammograms get called back in for retakes.  They don't have anything to compare it to and so they call you back. That makes no sense to me.

Sure enough, I got a letter in the mail saying they wanted me to come back and take more images.  But then the next day I got another letter saying I missed my appointment and need to call and reschedule. Missed my appointment? I was there! Whatever. I tucked both letters away and figured I would deal with it after the holidays. I really don't have time for this, especially if they don't even know I was there and most first timers get called back in, I'm going on the assumption that it's a bunch of hooey.

One day while I was shopping with the three kids in Sams Club in the pre-holiday crowd, my doctor's office called.  Like dork, I answered, as if I could hold a conversation while shopping in a crowded store with three wound up kids and pushing a giant cart full of groceries. The nurse said they got my results and they wanted me to go back for more images.  I said I can't discuss it right now and I can't go until after the holidays so I'll call her back in January.  She seemed to think I was uncooperative and made some snide comment, so I said again, "I am really busy at the moment and I will call the doctor back later."  Whatever. Next time I'm letting it go to voice mail.

A few days later I got a call while I was at home, with the three kids, who were all arguing and screaming and taking things away from each other (even though the elf on the shelf was watching them).  Again, I answered when I should have had the presence of mind to just let it go to voice mail.  This time it was the breast imaging clinic and they wanted me to schedule an appointment.  I could barely even hear the lady; I walked to another room and the screaming kids followed me wanted me to referee their scream-fest.  I told her I would call her back in January.

With the holidays and the other stuff going on and the kids out of school, I figured I would just deal with this mammogram stuff after Christmas, after Lexie moves back home, after the kids get back to school and things around here quiet down. If the tech didn't do it right and got bad images, that really isn't my problem and I'm not going to compound the holiday stress with unnecessary doctor appointments. I was regretting even bothering with the screeening.

I finally got some quiet time and I called the breast imaging center back to schedule it. I figured I had about ten minutes of quiet so I hid from Charlie (where I could still see him) to make the call. The clerk on the phone said the scheduling computer was down and they could call me back after 4:30pm.  I said no, don't bother. Because at that time, the girls will be out of school, Lexie will be at work, I will be trying to prep dinner, kids will be wound up and crazy, that's just not a good time!  I finally had some quiet time to schedule an appointment, for the first time in a month and the computer is down. I'll just try again another day.  Of course, they called me back but this time I let it go to voice mail. I'm learning!

The next day while the girls were in school, I had another chance to call so I tried again. This time I actually got the office and when I requested an appointment the clerk told me that I couldn't make one because I needed a referral from my doctor. Are you freaking kidding me?  So I asked her about the other letter I got, the one that says I didn't come to my appointment. So, do I actually need retakes or did the office screw up?  Because I'm not going to do it again if they just forgot or lost the images or some nonsense like that. She said no, they had my records and I had been there on December 4th. She said they only need to reimage the right side.  Oh, ok, well, then this letter is odd.

I called my doctor's office and requested a referral. The clerk said she would check my file and when she did she said "it says here you refused a referral already and that you were uncooperative". I said "does it say that the nurse called me when I was grocery shopping with three kids and it was crazy busy and I said I would call her back when I had a few minutes of quiet so that I could hear her?"  No. Hmm, imagine that.  I set her straight, I did not refuse and I am not uncooperative, I'm just busy and I have three loud children. Next time I will be sure to just let her listen to the background noise if that is preferable to having me call back when it's quiet and we can hear each other talk. She said she can fax over a referral. I said to please make note in my file that the nurse was uncooperative and I'm awesome. She said ok but she had that "I'm not really going to type that" tone of voice.

All of this phone calling drove me nuts. How ridiculous!

I called the breast clinic again.  Wow. Two phone calls in one day! Thank you for the awesome toys, Santa! Charlie was being good. I made an appointment to do this whole mammogram thing again.  The lady on the phone said I only needed to do the right side. I asked why and she said she didn't know. It would be nice to talk to someone other than the scheduling clerks, but whatever. I made my appointment. Sounds easy, but it was a huge accomplishment.  She said my appointment was at 1:40 but I had to be there by 1:10 to check in. I asked why do I have to check in 30 minutes early? So I can just sit there for half an hour? Why? She said I have to fill out paperwork.

Now that I've been through it once, I wasn't as nervous. I went to my appointment and arrived at 1:05.  The desk clerk asked my name and handed me a sheet of paper. She said to fill in the top half. I made three checkmarks and signed my name. That was the paperwork that was supposed to take me 30 minutes to complete. Really?  Really!  I asked if my appointment was at 1:40. Yes. And I was supposed to check in by 1:10 to complete paperwork? Yes.  And I'm finished with the paperwork and the time is now 1:06?  Yes.  Ok, I will be back at 1:40. No.

No?  Why not? I'm not that interested in just sitting here for 30 minutes. The receptionist looked understanding yet flustered. I told her I won't go far, but I do have errands to run and I see no point in wasting nearly an hour. She said she would bump me up to an earlier appointment. So, I sat down. It was 1:30 when I got called back. Wow, she saved me ten whole minutes.

I don't know why I wanted to get called back in so fast, I guess just to get it over with.  I was not happy with myself for even showing up for this appointment since it's just a repeat of the last appointment. But, I will just do it and scurry out of there.

I was escorted to a different mammogram room but it looked the same as last time. I asked the tech why I had to have a repeat. She said it was just the right side. I know, but why? She said there were micro calcifications in that one and they wanted a better image so they could enlarge the image and get a better look. I asked her, is that calcium?  Yes.  Is that from ingesting too much calcium? (Because I certainly do not get too much!)  She said it could be, or not. It's not necessarily related to what is eaten or how much.  Is it because my breasts used to make milk? I nursed for a very long time. She said No. I asked is calcium an idicator of cancer? She didn't reply. I asked again, do calcium deposits turn into cancer?  She said yes, often they do. Often they do not, but certain types of calcium can be a precancerous condition or nothing at all.

Then she did the mammogram. This machine did not have the automatic pressure sensor and shut off when it was squished flat enough. This machine had a hand crank and this tech had a strong arm.  This one hurt! I winced and told her no, this hurts, this is too tight, loosen it, I can't do this, this is very painful. She completely ignored me and ran behind her shield and took the pictures. Then she came back and I was still screeching about how it was hurting me.  Oh, was that too tight? Sorry, it has to be spread out for a better image.  Bullshit. That was ridiculous. She said One more. I said no, that's enough. I'm done. She promised she wouldn't squish it as hard. Fine.

Geez, I'm dumb. Of course she cranked that boob vice down past the point of being tolerable. I'm never doing this again. My boobs can rot and die for all I care. That hurt!  She said, there may be some bruising. No kidding.  Without even offering me an ice pack, she ran off to show the radiologist and ask if they'd need more images. I can tell you right now, no they do not!

She came back before the throbbing subsided. Yes, they want more images. I told her no thank you. She said they want an ultrasound. Oh, ok, fine. I was shuttled off to a waiting room somewhere in the labyrinth of the clinic. I waited there for another 30 minutes or more.

The ultrasound was a lot like an ultrasound you get when you are pregnant, but higher on the body. She focused on the area right under my right armpit on the side of the breast. Must be the fuzzy spot. This tech wouldn't answer any questions. I asked why did I have to have this done? Did the mammogram not give a good enough image? Or did they see something suspicious? What's going on?  She had a standard response of "the doctor can discuss that with you".  Yeah, what doctor? So far, I've seen receptionists and tech people. That's it.

When she was done, it didn't take long.  While I was having the ultrasound, my phone alarm went off. I set my alarm for 2:15pm so that I have time to finish whatever I 'm doing and go get the kids. She said she would show the radiologist and if he needed more images she would come back and take more. I said, no, if you need more you'll have to make another appointment. I've had enough today and I have to go pick up my children from school. I cannot make them wait. How old are they?  5 and 7.  Gotta go.  It was 2:20 now.  From the confused look she gave me, I gather that people don't often run out of an appointment.

A few days later I got a phone call from my OB/Gyn doctor.  Well, that can't be good if I'm hearing from the doctor. She doesn't make unnecessary phone calls and if everything was just fine. If that were the case, I would get a call from the receptionist, or a postcard.

The doctor said I have micro calcification flecks which are highly suspicious. She wants me to have a biopsy. I hear the word biopsy and my heart races. That's just another word for huge needle. I don't just hate needles, I really have an irrational phobia over them. I told the doctor I'd rather give birth than have a biopsy. Is this really necessary?  I made milk with these things, calcium deposits sounds like a reasonable effect. What's wrong with calcium? I suggested we just leave it be.

She started using her firm voice and told me this is necessary. A lot of biopsies come back negative, but the only way to diagnose breast cancer is to do the biopsy and in my case she strongly recommends that I just go get it done and within the week. Fine then. Can I have pain and anxiety meds? No. That makes no freaking sense.

Looking at my calendar, I don't see when I have time for this. It's probably a bunch of bologna anyway. Painful bologna.

I had to think about it for a while, but the breast center received the doctor's order and called me to make an appointment. Great. They nag more than anyone! I made the appointment for Feb. 6, between school hours. They only do biopsies on Tuesdays and Thursdays. The appointment was three weeks out, not within the week, but I don't see what the rush is. I do have other things on my plate and I can't just drop everything and run boob first into a giant needle. This takes some mental prep on my part.

I called two or three times asking questions about the procedure. It sounds just awful. People do this? Why isn't there a better way? It's called Stereotactic Breast Biopsy. I strongly discourage you from looking it up on youtube.  The doctor said "they will use a needle and you might feel some discomfort".  That's the medical way of saying they'll bore a hole in me with an extra large drill and it will be excruciatingly painful. I might die. And then they'll say, "There. That wasn't so bad was it?"

This has been very heavy on my mind and I've finally decided that I just need to do it and be done with it. I'm young (enough) and healthy (enough) and I don't have any concerns about cancer.  But it is a lot of stress to have this procedure pending.  And it's too much stress on top of everything else. The kids are sick, my husband is sick, Lexie is sick, my friend is sick and I've been trying to help her out too, we got a new puppy that requires a lot of attention, my grandma fell and is hospitalized, and now I have no babysitter because of all the sick people in this house.  But, I can't put it off because the anxiety is really getting to me, so I just need to do it.

Feb 6th is today. I'm freaking out. My appointment is in 20 minutes. Nobody is here to watch the three kids, who are all home from school with fevers and coughing. I've had a piece of toast and a cup of coffee, showered, and put my shoes on. Now I just have to muster up the courage to fight off the urge to flee.  And, hope that someone shows up to take care of the kids.