Oncologist Consultation AKA The Wasted Morning

I was both dreading and looking forward to this oncologist appointment. I want to know the game-plan. I need to know what lies ahead. I hope beyond hope that the plan is to do nothing but forget about it, but I know that the suggestion will be to take Chemotherapy.

I woke up nervous and nauseous. What a combination! I took my pain  pill and my horrible stinky antibiotic. They antibiotics are awful and they make me ill. I ate a piece of toast and had half a cup of coffee. But, then I felt worse, so I took some Excedrin Migraine pills.  Off we went to my Dr. appointment. By the time we left, I was tired again, crabby and woozy and really didn't feel like going anywhere. But, I was also anxious about the consultation and just wanted to hear what the doctor says so we can move on.

The doctor's office was beautiful!  We waiting in a stunning and comfortable waiting room.  This place must cost a fortune for them to put up a waiting room like this.  My insurance company is going to cry.

Once I was called to the back, I was weighed. I'm 12 pounds less than I was the day before surgery. I was at my all time high right before surgery, so I needed to loose a few pounds, but I didn't expect to lose 12. Must be my lack of appetite. Also, I'm not eating fast food, beer, or microwavable convenience foods. My friends have been bringing us delicious home cooked meals! They are obviously much healthier than I normally serve up. The kids love the meal train!

After the nurse and her student shadow were done typing my vitals into the computer, the doctor came in. She was all business. She went over the information that she had, showed us a picture chart of a boob, and peered over her glasses at Keith and said, "You can ask questions when I am done with the report overview, if there is time". He didn't care for being dismissed. We've read the pathology report and had questions, but she wouldn't address our questions without scolding us for having questions first.  And she spent a great deal of time telling me that my choice for a double mastectomy, quadruple even, was not necessary and I should have only had the one cancer infected breast removed.

In the next breath, she said that I should be genetically tested for the gene that causes breast cancer and if I test positive for it, all of my daughters should plan to have preventative double mastectomies and removal of their ovaries. Whoa. Wait a minute here sister, I am wrong to have taken preventative measures for myself but you think all of my daughters should have preventative radical surgeries?

Then she went over the treatment plan that she has laid out for me:  She wants me to do four months of weekly chemotherapy, then switch the chemo drugs to something called Herceptin and do that chemotherapy  once a month for 8 months. In between, I would have blood draws, immune system boosting injections, and other needle pokes for various things. This would all be done with an IV in my arm each time I go, rather than a chemo-port. Then, she wants me to have a total hysterectomy to remove the overies because they produce hormones. Then, I would be on Tamoxifen for ten years.

To me, this sounds like over-treatment. I told her that is too much. That is just way too much treatment for a cancer that is no longer in my body. The cancer is gone. Why should I treat something that isn't there?  They found a microscopic cluster of cells in one lymph node, and honestly, if they had sliced the node a micron over in one direction or another, they wouldn't have found that cluster and would have told me that my lymph nodes were all clear!

Again, she did not appreciate the questions and the what ifs and the second guessing of her treatment plan. She glared at us like we were idiots and we need to just be quiet and do as we are told. Keith was getting visibly upset. I was just crying. It was the most difficult doctor appointment ever. This doctor was one of those high and mighty types that just sees me as another case file, not as a person who has a life and needs to be healthy enough to live happily. This doctor said to remember that plenty of other people have worse cases and they do what they need to do for chemotherapy.  I know, that is true, many people are in worse condition than I am and fighting bigger battles, but this is my battle and I see no reason to have the cure worse than the ailment. It makes no sense to me.

The appointment was over and the doctor left the room. The nurse came back in and scheduled a chemotherapy education class for me. And we were told to stop at the front desk and schedule my next appointment. Keith and I looked at each other and we had the same thought: No way! Not with this doctor! We want a doctor who understands that we are people first and cancer patients second. We want questions answered without being scolded. We want someone who cares. We won't be back to visit this doctor. When we got to the front desk, I left Keith there to sort out the appointment details and I went to the water cooler and got a drink.

He told the nurses at the appointment desk that we want to start over with another doctor. This one wasn't for us, we didn't click. Our personalities will not work well together and it won't be a healthy doctor/patient relationship. They were surprised but said ok.

I'm not, I have never been, nor will I ever be the type of person who just listens and does what I'm told without question. I am the type of person who needs information. I ask why. I need to know why. I want to know options. I have to know everything.   If I don't know, if I don't ask, if I don't have options, my level of anxiety increases dramatically. I realize that isn't the case for a lot of people, they want to let the doctor do the worrying and make the heavy medical decisions, that relieves them and gives them comfort in not knowing. But, I am not like that. This doctor obviously prefers the type of patient that I am not.

The appointment turned out to be a big waste of time because this doctor and her "throw every cure under the sun" at me approach is not for me. I have to wait now and see if I can get a different oncologist and try this first appointment thing all over again. Hopefully, we will have better luck the next time.