A Little Safari

I'm feeling a little stronger each day, and we all must get back to our normal lives. Keith has to work, Lexie has to do her thing too, which leaves me to do my thing... the Mom thing.

Friday, I got the kids up and dressed and packed lunchboxes. Got them all loaded up and strapped in and off to school! After Charlie and I dropped the girls at school, I thought to myself, "Oh boy. A whole day with just Charlie. What are we going to do?"  Scary thought.

We just had the house cleaned on Thursday afternoon. I really didn't want to spend the day watching a bored and lonely three year old boy destroy the professionally cleaned look so soon. I decided that since I could 1. Drive and 2. Walk, we could go somewhere and kill some time. Charlie suggested the park. I decided on the zoo. I can do the zoo, albeit only a mild trip. But it has a playground, benches for resting, and no doors for me to have to push or pull open.

I need to go to the zoo anyway because I lost my zoo pass and the kids are going on a field trip with another family on Sunday, but they can't go without a pass. I don't know if I never got my pass in the mail, or if it got lost in the shuffle, but I've never seen it. I can't find it. The only way to clear that up is to go there and admit to the person trapped in the ticket booth that I'm unorganized. So, that's what we did!

I got a duplicate pass for me, and a refund on my parking that I just paid for a moment ago (because parking is included with my pass), and then I purchased a child's pass for Gracie and Charlie. Libby has one.  So. Zoo Pass business is done! Mission Accomplished!

Charlie was already enchanted with looking at the various thorny plants and he was having a great time exploring around the ticket booth. We went in and really, anything we see is a bonus because I'm just planning to steer him to the playground area and sit while he plays.

We walked up the entrance walk and he studied the map. He saw a lake on the map and he wanted to go there, which is not far in, so that's where we went. We wandered around the pond and sat on benches here and there along the way.  We saw and admired all the ducks. ALL of the ducks! On the other side of the path around the lake, we saw Meerkats and Red River hogs and then we took a side trip up another short path to see the gorillas.

We didn't go far and we walked slowly so that I didn't tire too quickly. This worked well for both of us as it gave Charlie plenty of time to visit with each duck, meerkat and gorilla.

I did torture the poor kid by making him wander through the gift shop with me. I want a soft sunhat that has a neck-shade, and I figured they would have the safari style hat. The only thing they had that was similar was a child sized baseball cap style that had a neck shade. It was $26. Oh well. I'll look around online and see what I can find, or maybe I can add a neck-shade to a sunhat; I'll think about it later.

We were there for 2 hours and Charlie said to me, "Let's go home and get da girls."  It was noon and I was done walking anyway, so I said, "Ok. Let's go.".  No arguing from me!

We looked at the thorny plants again on the way out. When we got to the space between the zoo entrance and the parking lot we saw a big Coke truck. It had vending machines on it, and lots of Coke workers handing plastic cups to people. They approached us and handed each of us a tasting cup and invited us to have a drink, so we did. Charlie chose Mello Yellow and I had Cherry Coke. I only let him fill his cup halfway, so he probably had 2 oz of pop and I had about 4 oz.  It was  yummy!  Then Charlie was handed a free pair of Coke sunglasses, so he was a happy boy.

By the time we got to the car, it was 12:30. We arrived at 10am. Not bad! We put in a full day before lunchtime! I didn't hear any complaining about being hungry, so we just toodled on home and had lunch there. We got home at 1:30 and had time to have lunch and rest before it was time to pick up the girls.

Felt great to be able to be the kind of Grandma I enjoy being! I took Charlie to the zoo! We had a very fun and special day together. The house is still clean, the kid is happy, all is well!


*Found my zoo pass as soon as we got  home. Been searching for it for  a month!

Told the Kids

"Today is a dark and sad day" - Gracie, 8.

 We've been keeping "cancer" a secret from the kids. Thank you, all, for helping us with that! We didn't feel the time was right to tell them, until today.  We appreciate your respect to  honor our wish for the right time.

As if there is a right time to tell your kids that you have cancer.

Just a reminder: The kids are our daughters: Gracie, 8; and Libby, 5.  Our grandson is Charlie, 3.

Today we sat the kids down and told them everything. We told them that Mommy/Grandma has breast cancer.  I have bad cells in my body that escaped from my boobs and got away. They went into my body and we can't catch them.  They will make me very very sick if we don't clobber them and kill them.

We told them that I will be taking medicine called chemo. It is a very special medicine that will make me better by killing the cancer, but while it kills the cancer I will feel very tired and sick. We told them I will have to take chemo medicine all summer long, until Libby's birthday when she turns 6. We told them that I won't be a lot of fun. They'll have to go do some fun things and leave me at home.

We told them that I will lose my hair. All of my hair will fall out. This seems to have been the hardest part for them. They all reacted to that. I told them I will look like Uncle Eddy.  Gracie offered to buy me a wig. Libby said she will get me a yellow hat.  Charlie offered to rub sunscreen on my head.  They were all shocked but very compassionate.

Lexie read them a book and it explains the cells in the body like puzzle pieces, or like Legos. They all fit together and work together, but cancer cells have a bad attitude and make mommy sick. The chemo will make me sick too, but only because it is killing the cancer.  The book also says that I will be like a tree in the winter, losing my leaves and being bald until spring.  The seasons are opposite, but the analogy is a good one.

We made sure to emphasize with all of them that there are different kinds of cancer. There is the kind of cancer that makes you die. And there is the kind I have, the kind that needs medicine to make it go away and then I will be all better.

Their eyes were big, their questions were few.  They all look like their brains were whirring and spinning thoughts around inside. I'm sure there will be more questions later. We told them to ask questions if they have any. And if they feel like they need a hug, come get one. We are all here for each other.  I also told them that their teacher at school knows about it and she will hug them anytime they are having a sad day. I told Gracie to write her feelings in a journal.

Gracie said, "It's weird, but I really wanna smile right now." She went off to find her joke book and make some popcorn. She wanted to watch Star Wars too.  I'm so thankful that she has her big sense of humor to get her through hard times! That will be an asset to her as life throws her curve balls as it sometimes does.

Libby was quiet. She asked a few questions, but they were general. She wanted to know how I would take the chemo medicine and so I told her about the IV and the port. She was wondering if I would have to spend the night in the hospital again. I don't think I'll have to.

Charlie paid attention very well. I told him that I won't always be able to go with him when him and his mom do fun things. He might have to go without me and let me take a nap. He nodded in agreement. He wanted to know if it would be funny when I'm bald, and I told him he can help me find a hat to wear.  He went to go play, and ten minutes later had a meltdown about something insignificant and unrelated to our discussion.

Not one of them asked about Sandy. They all know that Sandy had cancer, she had an operation, and her cancer didn't go away. It got worse.  Sandy died from her cancer.  We are all still heartsick over losing Sandy last summer.  The kids have only had that one experience with cancer and I'm not aware of any of them ever hearing about it in another context. I was sure that they would immediately think of Sandy and compare my treatment with, and assume my outcome might be the same. I don't want to scare my kids, but they will be afraid as I am. I don't want them to worry, but they will. I don't want them to grow up too fast, but this will make a young child a lot older. I'm sure they will all remember Sandy soon enough and ask about my cancer compared to her cancer.

It's the hardest thing in the world to look your children in the eyes and say to them, "I have cancer."

*Me and my brother, Ed. Soon to be my twin. 

Gratitude

Gratitude. Actually, I have a lot of it!  I'd like to show more of it, but usually the negative beast rears its ugly head before Gratitude shines through.

I have a lot to be thankful for, even though I'm going through what is probably the worst thing in my life - both past and future included.  I do not want to be so down in the dumps that I forget or forget to show my gratitude for the many wonderful things and people in my world.

I don't think I express it often enough, my gratitude.  I really am grateful for so much!  I always feel it too. In fact, it overpowers the negative feelings that try to take over sometimes. I can't imagine what a depressed sap I would be without my gratitude pulling me back up every time I feel so badly.

Listing all that I'm thankful for seems like a daunting task. Writing a complete list is impossible, but I'll list what is on the top of my mind at the moment as it pertains to my health crisis:

I'm very thankful that Breast Cancer is not a life threatening disease. It's not a piece of cake, but it isn't going to claim every person that it strikes, like me.  Sure hope they find a cure so that it can become a 100% curable disease.

I'm thankful for the medical team that I've been assigned to. They don't really work together per se, but they have been taking good care of me and treating me like a person rather than a burden to their workload. I appreciate that. I'm thankful to live in an area where good medical care is easily available and I'm very thankful my insurance is covering my needs.

I am thankful for my husband. my sister, my mom and grandma, and my cousin. They have been my biggest supporters and cheerleaders and my best therapy. They listen to me, cry with me, cheer with me, and mostly, they love and care for me. I can't say enough wonderful things about my family! They're the best!

I am sorry for this one, but I'm thankful for my breast cancer "sisters". Four women in our family (on my husband's side) have it right now. Actually, three, one was recently declared free of the disease! None of us are blood relatives, three of us married into the family. We also don't live anywhere near each other, and we only see each other at the tri-annual family reunions. But now we have this awful common connection. At least we have each other for support, I will say that it is nice to have someone to walk down this road alongside me. And I'm happy to support them as well. Sure wish we were all lottery winners instead, but this is what we got.

I'm thankful for my daughters and grandsons. Obviously, I'm always thankful for them. But when mom is feeling down, there is no better source of strength and happiness than my children. My older two are especially great right now. They are my research team.

I'm thankful for the local Breast Cancer Resource Center. It's called Michelle's Place. They offer a lot of services to breast cancer patients and survivors (that word again! ugh)... patients and former patients, there, that is better! All of their services are free. They are funded through Susan G. Koman foundation, local fundraising and donations, and probably grants too.

I'm so very thankful for my friends and family who have stepped forward and offered help, brought dinners, gave gifts to the kids, taken the kids for playdates and outings, babysat, brought groceries, sent cards, gave us money and gift cards, brought flowers, cleaned our house, mailed packages, and a bunch of them contributed to a fund to hire a housekeeping service! We know so many wonderful people! Including some long-time online friends! It seems that everyone I know is doing something kind for me and my family, and I know a  lot of people! The ones who are unable to personally visit have sent heartwarming well wishes. I just love everyone! I feel so blessed and  honored to have such generous friends and family!

I'm thankful that I have such a great resource right at my fingertips to find information, connect with others, ask questions, ask more questions, read and read and read some more! That's right, I'm showing a lot of gratitude for the internet! Thank you, Google! Thank you, Bloggers! Thank you, cancer resource centers! Thank you, Cancer product shops! Thank you, forums! Thank you, support groups! Thank you, drug companies! Thanks to everyone for putting it all out there!

I'm not thankful, not one itty bitty bit, for cancer. I'm not. But I am thankful that I have the people and the resources to take care of it. I'm so very grateful for so many things and so many people! This battle would have the best of me if it weren't for all of the people and things listed above. I'm blessed and I know it. Not blessed to have breast cancer, but certainly blessed to have much bigger and better things. I am truly grateful for it all. (except the breast cancer, did I mention that?)

I'll be even more thankful if there is a cure and a prevention for breast cancer and if you never ever get it. I truly will be grateful if none of my sisters, daughters, or nieces suffer from this. That's when my heart will explode with thanks! Let's all hope that day comes soon.

New Oncologist - Same Plan

Had my first appointment with a different oncologist. The last one wasn't a good personality match for me. This guy walked in the room and first thing he did was look in my face and shake my hand, my husband too. He said hello to us.  Nicely done, Doc.

Maybe it was in my chart that we are difficult and need to be pampered. Fine with me. At least the guy said hello to us and made eye contact. He talked to us, explained things, and answered questions. He didn't rush us. It was a pleasant change from the first doctor we saw. Whew.

But, the treatment plan is not much different. It is a lot of treatment for what my surgeon says is no cancer. According to the oncologist, the cancer could still be in me and the biology of the cancer is very very bad. I have no choice but to aggressively treat it. I really don't like the sound of that at all. I feel like I have nothing wrong with me and I'm treating a possibility that there might be some cancer cell in me. There might not be a single bad cell in my body. Or, there might be lots of them. They can't tell.

The treatment is:  Surgery to place a port-a-cath in my chest. This is a little doo-hickey that is like a catheter for the I.V.s of chemo drugs. It goes under my skin. I have to have surgery to have it installed. The doctor and nurse said it's no big deal, very easy, in and out of surgery, piece of cake. Keith didn't think it sounded like a big deal either.  Apparently, I'm the only one who thinks having surgery on my sore chest to put in a catheter under my skin and into my blood vessels is kind of a big deal.  It's surgery.

And the port goes under my skin, so they still have to poke me through my skin with a needle. I think this makes it easier for the chemo nurses, not sure if it benefits me in any way, but I will get to have a piece of cake surgery to put it in, and I assume, another easy breezy surgery to take it out in a year. Where's my sarcasm font?

Then I will have a year of chemo.  Only, it's not all called chemo. It is but it isn't. I will have a mixture of harsh drugs called TCH for 18 weeks and after that, only one drug: herceptin. Once I'm down to the one drug they don't call it chemo anymore. So, I will have 4 months of chemo and 8 months of herceptin - the drug that accompanies chemo and  is administered exactly like chemo, but isn't technically chemo. I have to get this chemo and not-chemo weekly for a year.

In between the chemo and herceptin, I will have blood draws, shots of various kinds, steroids, and EKGs.  One side effect of these drugs is heart failure, so they are going to keep track of how my heart is doing.

Speaking of side effects, the others are:  nausea, mouth sores that go from your mouth all the way through your digestive system, constipation, diarrhea, menopause, memory fog and cognative thinking loss, loss of hair, discoloration and loss of fingernails and toenails, bone and joint pain, numbing of the toes and feet, heart failure, and death.

Since I'll be having chemo every week, I won't be able to travel. No vacation for me. I won't be able to go places with the kids either. I will be sick and weak and bald. I won't be able to do much besides puke and go back for more. It will be a rough year. I won't be able to be much of a mom to my kids, grandma to my grandsons, or much of a wife to my husband. They will all have to get along without me for the most part while I sleep it off or whatever it is I have to do. I hope they will go on vacation, I don't want to ruin all the fun. Sure wish I could join my family for our family time though.

After I'm done with my year of being a pincushion, I will be on a pill called Tamoxifen for five years. It has it's own special side effects too.

This doctor didn't mention anything about having a total hysterectomy to prevent the hormones in my body from feeding the cancer. The doctor we saw last week said that, but this guy didn't. I don't want to have unnecessary surgeries. But I will have to  have the surgery to install the port and another surgery to take it out. That's two extra surgeries right there. I know, I know, they're a piece of cake.

When all is said and done, I still won't have any guarantee that my chances of getting cancer again are gone. I will have a 25% chance of getting cancer after all of this. The new cancer will probably be in my lungs, liver, bones or brain.

I have to take a chemo-education class next week and then I have to get started with this treatment. They don't want to waste any time.

All of this awful treatment means that I have to tell the kids that I have breast cancer. They don't know yet and I wanted it to remain that way. We are going to have to be upfront and honest with them and they are going to have to become independent little kids since I won't be doing much for them any longer.

If this blog post sounds like it has a depressing tone to it, well then, you caught me. I'm feeling very mad, sad, and upset over the whole entire deal. I have every right to feel any way I please about this situation, and right now, I feel depressed. I feel scared. I feel punished. I feel sentenced. Don't tell me that it'll all be ok, that I'm being dramatic, or not to be so glum. Please do not tell me I'm strong, I can do this, I've got this, and all that sort of nonsense. I am not strong and I don't want to even try to live up to that kind of expectation. I also don't want to hear about how God is doing me a favor, or giving me just what I can handle. That's a bunch of hooey. I know people mean well when they say these things, but those kind of words are not helping me right now. All I can think is why would God give me two wonderful and healthy children and then punish them by giving their mom cancer before they have a chance to grow up feeling carefree. Or just because a person is strong or can handle rough situations, that is not a reason to punish a person and put them and their family through hell. So, these kind encouraging words are more appreciated if you think them and not say them. Thanks.

Wig Shopping

Today, I was feeling pretty good after I got some rock solid sleep. My sister took me out for some fresh air and sunshine. So nice!

Since surgery, the only time I've been out is to go to my doctor appointments. I've been out three times, and each was straight to the doctor and straight home again. I haven't been strong enough to even want to go anywhere, not even to the yard to get some fresh air.

Today, I was determined to get out because I think it would be good for me and it might be nice to see if the world is still out there. It was such a nice afternoon!  We didn't leave the house until nearly 1pm because the home health nurse came to check on me and she was running late. As soon as she left, I put clothes on and we got in the car.

I don't move very fast, but Pat sure does. She was running circles around the car opening her door, then mine, then running back around.

First stop was the farmer's market. I love this place. They have a delicious green smoothie that is full of nutrition, high in iron, and yummy! They make it with fresh organic vegetables and pineapple juice. It's very good! I figure I need the high iron anyway and it's a nice cool treat to take along in the hot car. We both got one but the girl who was working there made Pat's with mango instead of pineapple. So, her smoothie wasn't as sweet, but I didn't offer to trade. Hahaha!

Then we went to an ATM to grab some cash for the kids' school field trip. We have to pay for the field trip this week, even though it isn't until April 28. The field trip destination: Lego-Land!  This is a self-guided tour. Cool! I'm not going, but the kids are going with Lexie and I still had to fork over the cash for their field trip admission tickets.

Next stop: Wig Shop. We planned to go in and look around and maybe try some on and giggle. We went to the address of the wig shop that google found for us, and it wasn't there. It was a pub and restaurant and looked like it was just being remodeled into the pub business from whatever store it was before. We wandered a wee bit on the one block where the wig shop should have been and we found a couple of cute boutiques. Looking around was kind of fun. We weren't buying anything, just browsing for enjoyment.

We decided to try another wig shop.  Google gave us the address and we typed it into the car's navigation. We got there just fine, but there was no wig shop. It was a strip mall that had a bridal shop, dancewear store, and window coverings store. hmmm.  Finding a wig shop is a lot harder than we anticipated!

We tried one last time before giving up. If we actually find a store that sells wigs, we will proclaim this adventure as a success. We actually found the wig shop! It was on a small street around behind a main street and the shop was inside another shop, just in a back room.

The lady who walked us back to the wig shop in the back room of this store told us that we couldn't try any on unless she helped us, and I had too much hair to try one on. That's ok, we were short on time by now anyway. We just stood in the middle of the wig room and looked around. We touched a few of them and they all felt nice, some are synthetic, some are human hair, some are a mixture. They were fine. The majority of the wigs were not anything that would be flattering on me, but we saw some fun wigs and some nice wigs that would be appropriate for me and look good. It was fun to go there and be amongst the wigs and see them up close.

I don't know if I'll really need a wig, or if I'll want to wear one. Who knows. But, if I do, I wanted to wig shop with my sister while she is here. I'm really happy that she came with me. We did some giggling and some looking. It was nice to do that together. She reminded me that blondes have more fun!

I think I did pick out a favorite (for today, I might change my mind a million times) and I liked the soft curls, the length and the color. This one just drew me in.

I might just buy a bottle of sunscreen and rub it on my bald head and run around with my scalp all naked and exposed too. Who knows. I've decided to do whatever I'm in the mood to do. I'm a wee bit afraid of running around with a naked scalp though, because my hair is super thick and it's dark. The skin on my head has never seen the light of day. It's probably white as snow and it'll burn to a crisp very quickly. We shall see, I guess. In the meantime, I had a good time getting out of the house and doing some boutique and wig shopping (without buying) with my sister. It was a nice afternoon outing!

Then I came home and sacked out! So exhausted!

Oncologist Consultation AKA The Wasted Morning

I was both dreading and looking forward to this oncologist appointment. I want to know the game-plan. I need to know what lies ahead. I hope beyond hope that the plan is to do nothing but forget about it, but I know that the suggestion will be to take Chemotherapy.

I woke up nervous and nauseous. What a combination! I took my pain  pill and my horrible stinky antibiotic. They antibiotics are awful and they make me ill. I ate a piece of toast and had half a cup of coffee. But, then I felt worse, so I took some Excedrin Migraine pills.  Off we went to my Dr. appointment. By the time we left, I was tired again, crabby and woozy and really didn't feel like going anywhere. But, I was also anxious about the consultation and just wanted to hear what the doctor says so we can move on.

The doctor's office was beautiful!  We waiting in a stunning and comfortable waiting room.  This place must cost a fortune for them to put up a waiting room like this.  My insurance company is going to cry.

Once I was called to the back, I was weighed. I'm 12 pounds less than I was the day before surgery. I was at my all time high right before surgery, so I needed to loose a few pounds, but I didn't expect to lose 12. Must be my lack of appetite. Also, I'm not eating fast food, beer, or microwavable convenience foods. My friends have been bringing us delicious home cooked meals! They are obviously much healthier than I normally serve up. The kids love the meal train!

After the nurse and her student shadow were done typing my vitals into the computer, the doctor came in. She was all business. She went over the information that she had, showed us a picture chart of a boob, and peered over her glasses at Keith and said, "You can ask questions when I am done with the report overview, if there is time". He didn't care for being dismissed. We've read the pathology report and had questions, but she wouldn't address our questions without scolding us for having questions first.  And she spent a great deal of time telling me that my choice for a double mastectomy, quadruple even, was not necessary and I should have only had the one cancer infected breast removed.

In the next breath, she said that I should be genetically tested for the gene that causes breast cancer and if I test positive for it, all of my daughters should plan to have preventative double mastectomies and removal of their ovaries. Whoa. Wait a minute here sister, I am wrong to have taken preventative measures for myself but you think all of my daughters should have preventative radical surgeries?

Then she went over the treatment plan that she has laid out for me:  She wants me to do four months of weekly chemotherapy, then switch the chemo drugs to something called Herceptin and do that chemotherapy  once a month for 8 months. In between, I would have blood draws, immune system boosting injections, and other needle pokes for various things. This would all be done with an IV in my arm each time I go, rather than a chemo-port. Then, she wants me to have a total hysterectomy to remove the overies because they produce hormones. Then, I would be on Tamoxifen for ten years.

To me, this sounds like over-treatment. I told her that is too much. That is just way too much treatment for a cancer that is no longer in my body. The cancer is gone. Why should I treat something that isn't there?  They found a microscopic cluster of cells in one lymph node, and honestly, if they had sliced the node a micron over in one direction or another, they wouldn't have found that cluster and would have told me that my lymph nodes were all clear!

Again, she did not appreciate the questions and the what ifs and the second guessing of her treatment plan. She glared at us like we were idiots and we need to just be quiet and do as we are told. Keith was getting visibly upset. I was just crying. It was the most difficult doctor appointment ever. This doctor was one of those high and mighty types that just sees me as another case file, not as a person who has a life and needs to be healthy enough to live happily. This doctor said to remember that plenty of other people have worse cases and they do what they need to do for chemotherapy.  I know, that is true, many people are in worse condition than I am and fighting bigger battles, but this is my battle and I see no reason to have the cure worse than the ailment. It makes no sense to me.

The appointment was over and the doctor left the room. The nurse came back in and scheduled a chemotherapy education class for me. And we were told to stop at the front desk and schedule my next appointment. Keith and I looked at each other and we had the same thought: No way! Not with this doctor! We want a doctor who understands that we are people first and cancer patients second. We want questions answered without being scolded. We want someone who cares. We won't be back to visit this doctor. When we got to the front desk, I left Keith there to sort out the appointment details and I went to the water cooler and got a drink.

He told the nurses at the appointment desk that we want to start over with another doctor. This one wasn't for us, we didn't click. Our personalities will not work well together and it won't be a healthy doctor/patient relationship. They were surprised but said ok.

I'm not, I have never been, nor will I ever be the type of person who just listens and does what I'm told without question. I am the type of person who needs information. I ask why. I need to know why. I want to know options. I have to know everything.   If I don't know, if I don't ask, if I don't have options, my level of anxiety increases dramatically. I realize that isn't the case for a lot of people, they want to let the doctor do the worrying and make the heavy medical decisions, that relieves them and gives them comfort in not knowing. But, I am not like that. This doctor obviously prefers the type of patient that I am not.

The appointment turned out to be a big waste of time because this doctor and her "throw every cure under the sun" at me approach is not for me. I have to wait now and see if I can get a different oncologist and try this first appointment thing all over again. Hopefully, we will have better luck the next time.

My Sister is Coming!

I'm so super happy!  My big sister is coming to take care of us!

We really need this. Last night Lexie had a fever and she's just exhausted from the demands of the house lately. Keith has been suffering from a frozen shoulder and he's in a lot of pain every time he uses his left arm. And me, I'm just worthless for doing anything lately.  The kids on the other hand, are completely  healthy and energetic.  We're all falling apart and there are six sparkling big eyeballs looking at all of us hoping we'll be awesome parents again.  Thank goodness for Aunt Patty!

Do I ever have a long list of chores for my sister. We're gonna work her hard and send her home yearning for a good long night of sleep in her own bed.

Aunt Patty's Chore List:

Wake up too early with the kids, help them go potty, get dressed, brush teeth and find matching socks.
Feed the kids eight times a day.
Clean up after said feedings.
Feed and water the dog. PS - we're out of dog food.
Make lunchboxes
Homeschool Gracie and Libby. Catch up on their homeschool folders.
Check with their teachers and find out if they are caught up, behaving, etc.
Take the girls to school and go pick them up again.
Explain to Charlie why he didn't get to go to school too.
Empty the trunk of my car. It's full of donation bags that need to go in the donation bin. They've been there for over two weeks.
Clean my car. Good Lord, it probably needs it by now!
Clean my house. The whole entire house. It's not terrible, but it's neglected.
Take out the trash. I nag and nag and nag, and yet, the trash cans are all full.
Monday night take it to the curb.
Mop my floor. Oh please! It's just nasty!
Open the door for me. Shut the door for me.
Open my water bottles.
Open my medicine bottles.
Make coffee. Make hot tea. I can't lift the pot of water to make it or pour it.
Laundry.
Dishes.
Bring me food and beverages and medicine as requested.
Help me put my socks and shoes on. In fact, I lost my shoes. No clue where they might be these days.
Help the kids with their socks and shoes too.
Listen while I take a shower just in case I topple over in there.
Save me if I do.
Take the kids to the park and run the hyper right out of them.
Brush my hair.
Put my hair in a pony tail.
Give the kids baths, brush them, and check for lice. I always think they need to be checked for lice.
Change the sheets on the girls' beds.
Clean the girls' room. The lost their floor (among other things)
Train my stupid puppy.
Visit with my neighbors over the back fence.
Go to the Farmer's Market and get me a green smoothie. I've wanted on for a long time!
Visit with my friends as they come over, return their dishes to them, etc.
Take some paperwork to an office and turn it in for me.
Take me to the school and help me fill out the paperwork for next fall.
Take Gracie to the movies.
Trim Libby's nails.
Go to Hobby Lobby and buy half yard of fabric, I'll give her a swatch. It must match perfectly.
Return library books to Michelle's Place for me.
Help me with my "Retail Therapy" since I just had a major surgery, hmm, what should I buy to treat myself for it? She can help me shop!

Well, that's the top of her list. I'm so happy that she's coming to be my second pair of hands! More than that, I'm happy that the kids will be well cared for and busy. They are really looking forward to having fun with their Aunt Patty.

Keith is looking forward to a break. He's been under a lot of pressure with taking care of me and going to work. When he's home, he feels like he has things to do at work. And when he's at work, he feels like he should be home taking care of me. He still has to do taxes and grade a ton of papers too. Poor guy.

I think we're all looking forward to having her here. Not just for all the help niether, we are all looking forward to a nice visit. It's going to be a good week.

Three Check-ups In a Row

Three post -op checkups this week!

Monday, I saw Dr. Moon, the general surgeon.
I wrote about this one already, because this is the doctor who gave me the pathology report. He also looked at my incisions and decided all was well with healing and stuff. Swelling was insignificant, skin was healthy (not turning black and dying, which I guess is an issue sometimes, eww). And he said I need to see an oncologist, whoever is assigned to me by my insurance and primary care doctor.

I really like this doctor, and his staff are very friendly too. But, his staff need to learn how to operate the fax machine. My treatment has been slowed considerably by their lack of faxing skills. Seriously, why are they even using fax machines in this day and age? My only other complaint is that I have to sit in his waiting room for freaking ever! Last time I was there I waited an hour and a half, this time I waited an hour, then another 20 minutes or so in the exam room. I was dying! Literally! I felt awful and sitting in a hard plastic chair in the waiting room isn't good for someone who is weak from just having surgery. It was difficult to get through and I was feeling dizzy and nauseous before I was even seen. Ugh.  He's worth the wait though, he's a really great guy and he has something that I value in a doctor: common sense!  He talks to us like we are people, not burdens in his busy day. And he explains things.  The guy is great.

After we got home, I called Dr. Sellinger, who is not my primary care doctor, but she is my OB and she is the one who referred me for the mammogram and later received the biopsy lab results called to tell me that I have breast cancer.  She told me then that I would need to see Dr. Moon the surgeon and an onocologist after surgery. Since then I lost the oncologist information. I called Sellinger's office and asked for my referral information again and the receptionist was able to find it quickly.

I called the oncologist's office and the receptionist there took my name and information. She said she had to clear the insurance and get my records from the other doctors. She would  call me in a few days with an appointment. There are three doctors in their practice, and I didn't have a preference since I don't know any of them, nor have I heard about any of them. I told her they could fight over me.

Wednesday, I saw Dr. Simimi, the plastic surgeon.
I didn't have to drive to San Diego to see him this time. I was able to get an appointment here. He comes here once a week and has an office in La Jolla too. I actually had to reschedule this appointment because it was originally scheduled for five days after surgery, but I was still in the hospital.

When I got called back into his office, first thing he asked me was "how long were you in the hospital? You had blood transfusions, right? That's a long time." He remembered (or he just read my chart) and was concerned. That's so nice.

I had to don a paper vest, which is stupid since it just gets in the way and they push it off to the side anyway, and it doesn't fit and it's simply a waste of pink paper. Whatever. He looked at his artwork and declared my new chest "beautiful! just beautiful!" He was very happy with his work. So impressed that he called in another doctor and she came in, looked and told him good job and ran out again. The nurse was nodding and agreeing with every compliment that he gave himself. Nobody has loved looking at my boobs so much since I had a hungry newborn baby. Same expression.

He was quite pleased with himself.  And he did do a good job, they are even, shaped nicely, placed nicely, the skin isn't rippled or puckered, the incisions are symmetrical, and he thinks scarring will be smooth and minimal. I don't know about that, but I'll take smooth. That would be nice. And I agree that he did a good job with size and placement and all. I didn't get to choose the size, I just told him I want it to look normal under clothing and I don't need a "Friday Night Set". He said he liked having the liberty to do what he wanted in the operating room and knowing I was going to be easy to please (ha, fooled him! I'm actually a very picky person). I'm glad he did what he thought was best, he's the boob professional, not me.

He told me that he worked hard to get my new implants just right. He placed one set of implants in and he wasn't pleased with them so he took them out and started over with this set. These are a little bigger than the ones he originally placed. So, I did get 4 implants after all!  Two placed in, discarded, and two different ones placed. Four must be my lucky number. I have the gummy bear implants, which were his recommendation when I first saw him. I'm glad I did what he recommended and let him choose the size and placement. The only thing I asked was that it looked natural and normal under clothing. My only goal is to feel like myself and not struggle with clothing. I told him that saving the nipples is not important to me because I wear clothes. He was originally concerned about saving the nipples, but that affected placement and he seemed relieved to have more freedom without worrying about the nipples. I learned that saving them is only for looks because after the surgery the nerves are dead to them so they have no sensation.

He also said he used a large piece of mesh to create a good sling to hold in the implants. An inner bra, sort of. It supports the implant and the muscle somehow. He sewed it all in and liked the job he did. I received two pieces of information after surgery explaining that the mesh was created using donated cadaver skin and I received instructions on how to thank the donor's family for the deceased person's gift. Wow. I need to figure out a way to word my gratitude that doesn't sound conceited. "Thanks for contributing to my boob job, they look great" doesn't sound quite right.

I also received information about my implant tracking numbers. Apparently, my boobs can be tracked. I think they are printed with a number on them; I don't think there is a GPS microchip in them, but you never know.

The drains didn't come out though. He said they are still draining and he doesn't want the fluid to build up inside of me and cause problems. I don't want that either, and my drains are not bothering me one bit. I made pockets for them and they never pull or tug on me, so they're fine. I can get them out in a week or two, but the drainage has to be less than 20 ml in 24 hours for at least 3 days. He had me make an appointment for two weeks from now to remove them. So, I'll see him in two weeks I guess. He liked how my skin was healing also. He said the little bit of oozing from my incisions wasn't anything of concern. Then he complimented his artwork some more. I started to wonder if he signed it.

Thursday, the Home Health Nurse came over.
She took my blood pressure and my temperature, made notes, asked me questions, made notes.  Most of her questions centered on depression. Apparently, this is the time that depression should strike. I think I'm ok. I actually feel a lot better than I did before the surgery, except now I'm anxious about chemo and there are a lot of unanswered questions in my mind about that.

She wanted to see my incisions too. Why not. I've been flashing everyone this week. She whipped out a measuring tape and measured my incisions.  I had never thought of doing that before; I hadn't even wondered. Of course, now I'm dying to find out the grand total. She measured each incision. I have an upside down T shaped incision on each side, plus the two small incisions on my lower ribs. I have a grand total of 34 inches of incisions. 34"!

All in all, I'm healing nicely although slowly. I have an oncologist appointment next week and the home health nurse will be back to check on me again.

PS - I hope to blog about something more exciting than breast cancer very soon. I'm ready to write about something more fun than this!