I have something to get off my chest...

I have something to get off my chest:  My boobs.

I have breast cancer.

Although I have absolutely no symptoms, I feel great, I live a fairly low risk for cancer life, I went and had my very first mammogram just two months ago. I'm 48 years old and have breast cancer up my family tree. Then I had a second mammogram and ultrasound. Just a couple of weeks ago on Feb 6th, I had two biopsies done: one was an ultrasound biopsy and one was a stereotactic biopsy.

I received a phone call from my doctor on Feb 10th and she said "Mary, you have breast cancer."  I said, "Oh that's great. I didn't think anything was wrong. Thanks for calling."  And then she said, "No, Mary, listen. Your biopsies are both positive. You have breast cancer."  I think I've been in shock since.  I have been telling everyone who asks me if I got my results that no, I don't have them yet. I lied. I just needed to absorb this news.

She had me make an appointment at a surgical center. They wanted me to bring my records and films. Luckily, this gave me the perfect opportunity to find out what details are. Just saying "breast cancer" is pretty vague.  I'm not a fan of big bad vagueness. It's like too much darkness and I don't know what kind of creepy monsters are hiding in all of that darkness. I have to know.

I went to a local Breast Cancer Resource Center and had a tour and spoke with a counselor. She had a warm smile, was very informative and the facility was great. It's called "Michelle's Place". It has a library, support groups, beauty shop with makeup and wigs and a hair stylist, clothing, undergarments, prosthetic pieces, and lots of loving survivors and volunteers. Best thing though, all of their services are free!  They even have a children's support group. I borrowed some books from the library and they gave me a "toolkit" for the newly diagnosed. I think I'm gonna love this place!

Today, I had a consultation with a surgeon to discuss the severity of the cancer and the my options for treatment. This was the appointment where the truth comes out and I can honestly say I was very anxious about learning the truth about what I'm about to face. Keith took the day off to come with me so that I would have someone to help me listen and ask questions. He was great. I'm very lucky to have such a supportive and wonderful husband!

The doctor was very professional and yet, very personal. I really like him. In fact, I don't even feel the need for a second opinion because this guy is the kind of doctor that I appreciate.  He explained my type of breast cancer - Did you know there are 200 kinds of breast cancer? Neither did I. - and  he laid out my treatment options.

I have two spots of breast cancer. They are different types and in different stages. I must have had one of them before the other one sprouted up. The more mature spot is aggressive and it has sprouted a baby bud, and it has escaped from the milk duct and is invading the breast tissue. If I had waited another couple of years to have my first mammogram, I may have had to fight for my life instead of just face a surgery.

Ha. Just a surgery. I have three surgical options to choose from. None of them are easy.  All are going to be rough and I'm going to have to be tough and lay low to recuperate. One of the surgical options gives me the best chance of never having to do this again. The way my cancer is in multiple locations and different stages leads the doctor to believe that I will keep getting breast cancer spots popping up over my lifetime and I will have to have surgery time and time again as it pops up.  A lumpectomy or a single mastectomy will get rid of the cancer I have now, but I'll most likely get breast cancer again in the tissue left behind.  The third option and his favorite due to the circumstances, is a double mastectomy with a lymph node biopsy and reconstruction. 

Just call me Angelina.

This double will get rid of my cancer and get rid of the little black raincloud that I would always have hanging over me for the rest of my life.  If I don't get the double, then I will always be worrying if the cancer is back. I don't want to live with that worry every day, forever. I also do not want to do this twice. It is both a cure and a prevention.  I may avoid chemo and radiation depending on the lymph node biopsy. I won't know that until after the surgery.

Don't tell my kids. Please!  My children are young. My daughters are 7 and 5 years old. My grandsons are 3, 2, and 1. They are too young to understand the gravity of the situation combined with the fact that isn't life threatening. Just life changing.  They know the word cancer. They know their beloved dog had cancer, she had surgery, and the cancer came back. They know their dog died from cancer. That's what they know and understand about cancer. My greatest concern about me having breast cancer is scaring my kids. I do not want them to fear for my life nor for theirs. Keith and I will figure out how to tell them and we will choose our words wisely. Before we do, I'd like to consult the counselor who runs the children's support group at the Breast Cancer Resource Center. If my children are in my presence, then don't talk to me about my cancer. Leave a comment, send an email, zip me a text. Thanks!

Please say a few prayers for my sisters and my four daughters. I already have breast cancer; they don't and their risk for it just went up a notch. I appreciate your prayers and your positive thoughts for me and my family. It's empowering!

 This is all new to me. If I didn't say it here, then I don't know the answer. If you find a good source of information, please share it in the comments.

I will be scheduled for the double mastectomy surgery in April. That's only 6 - 8 weeks away. I will need help. My husband and daughters will help out as much as they can, but we all know who does the herding of children around here: me. I will need help taking the kids to school and picking them up, taking them to the park to play, walking the dog, doing some laundry and feeding the kids, helping them with homework, and all of that sort of thing. I'm worried about being down and out of commission. I'll write a blog post later about what I think I might need help with while my husband is at work and I'm recovering from surgery. My mom has already expressed how disappointed she is that she can't come out and stay to help, but she is much more needed at home. I am so very lucky to have lots of wonderful generous local friends!

This whole post, like this whole day, I'm operating in a very cold mode. I'm trying to absorb information, make big decisions, communicate effectively. I am working very hard to suppress my anxiety and my feelings right now so that I can think straight. I'll cry into my pillow later.

I don't want breast cancer. I really don't. I'm overwhelmed with the idea of me having cancer, me having surgery and all of the information. I don't want this. I don't want fake boobs, I don't want surgery scars, I don't want radiation tattoos.  I don't want to wear pink and have pink ribbon decor on everything. I don't want breast cancer to define me. I just want to be me. For those reasons, I'm going to get the double mastectomy and reconstruction. I'm going to get the cancer out of me and move on. 

Boob Voyage, Cancer.