It's been over a month since my last post and a lot has happened. The best thing is that we have become more optimistic that we were at the end of December.
I made it through Christmas; I wasn't feeling great but wasn't feeling horrible. I ate a wonderful Christmas dinner that my husband made and it was delicious. But I knew something was wrong because I really wasn't hungry and I took small portions of everything. Nobody seemed to notice and I was full. On the 28th I had a liver biopsy which confirmed that my liver was full of breast cancer.
I felt horrible a couple of days after Christmas and I knew we'd have to tell the kids soon, so we took down the tree and the decorations so that the kids wouldn't associate this blow to their childhood with the holiday. Within the week, I was too miserable to participate much in family life, and I was very tired. My stomach really hurt. New Years Day came along and I felt like I barely made it through the day. We had a birthday party for my grandson and everyone noticed how yellow I had become. My eyes had even turned yellow at this point. I refused to go to the doctor though because I had an appointment for the morning of Jan 4th, so I didn't want to go to the ER before that and pay a higher copay when I could just wait a couple of days. So, that's how the holidays went. I was very sick and it was taking a toll on me very quickly.
I had the appointment set up for Jan 4th, but on the 2nd we called bright and early to see if I could get in right away. Sure, they said. I really felt horrible at this point. Just as we were leaving, the doctor called and said not to come to the clinic, go to the ER. He said he needs to run tests that my insurance will have to pre-approve and it could take them days unless I go to the ER where I can get the tests run immediately without pre-approval from the insurance. Well, geez, I could have done this days ago and here I was waiting it out for the cheaper copay.
Off we went to the ER. I had bloodtests and a cat scan. They just said, it looks pretty bad. It really progressed since I was in for an appointment just a couple of weeks ago. They weren't set up to take care of me in this condition so they were sending me to a bigger hospital 200 miles away more equipped to deal with my situation. Did I want an ambulance ride or a helicopter ride? Oh wow. Well, I wanted my husband to drive me there in my nice comfy car. They said to hurry up, they'd be waiting for us.
Off we ran to Sioux Falls. Got there and had to wait in the ER for a couple of hours until they were ready to look at me, so not sure what the big hurry was all about. They did a cat scan too and they admitted me right away. They took lots of blood, they did an MRI, another cat scan, got a picc line, and I was examined and poked and squeezed and questioned for days. They ended up deciding that I was in liver failure and I was in a dire situation. My liver was full of tumors and they found it on my spine as well. The breast cancer doctors and the GI docs all visited me and conferred about my treatment.
They decided that I would benefit best from a strong uncommon cocktail of chemo drugs. I got the feeling that it was the last resort type of chemo, like if this doesn't work it is, "adios, Mary." So, sure, I'll take the cocktail of chemo drugs that is stronger that strong and meaner than mean and never used together, etc. They hooked me up with that right away.
The side effects were about the same as what I had with my first round of cancer. Lots of nausea, etc. Being in the hospital helped with that. They could shoot meds in my picc line for pain and anything else that I needed. After a few days, I really felt better and my blood results were showing a big improvement in liver function. I got to go home!
I was placed on weekly chemo and able to have that here in town. Luckily, I kept the picc line so I didn't have to get stabbed all the time. Each week I was tested for liver function in my bloodwork and each week it has gotten better. I've also had a Pet Scan, which didn't show anything new. Nothing new is good news! I am now on a 3 week schedule for chemo and will be indefinitely.
I also got my picc line out and a port placed in my chest. I'm not exactly thrilled about it because I had so much trouble with my port last time, it even hurt for months after I had it taken out! This port is on the opposite side. The seat belt won't rest on it while I drive, but I don't really go out and about like I did in California so I don't know if that matters. It's in though. My next chemo will be done through the port. Stabby stabby stabby.
Now that my cancer seems to be controlled by the chemo and I have this whole treatment schedule and all, I'm hearing the doctor say things like "in 6 weeks" and "from here on out" and "someday" and "indefinitely". These works imply a future! I'm going to make it!
My new life with incurable cancer will be different, my new life will have restrictions, my new life will not be the same, but it's not over! I can live with cancer and I can plan and think ahead to all the things that mean so much to me. I hope to never fear what my kids will go through without a mom, I hope to feel this optimism for many years to come.
Optimism sure feels great!
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